Stop the world...

I wanna get off.

Fairy Tales and Nonsense

I was going through old novels of mine for a book club and found a poem that I had written after reading a particularly sappy romance fairy tale sometime senior year. I had shoved it in the novel near the back cover. I couldn't remember what the story was about or why I had written the poem, so I sat down in the middle of my dorm room and started reading it again. Then I remembered why I had written the poem a couple hours later when I finished the book again.

The story was about this princess who was in an arranged marriage with a man she hardly knew but had known about since child hood. She had loved him from afar but she was unsure if he felt the same. So in order to test him and if he truly loved her she ran off and left behind clues. The final lines in the note she left behind was two words, "Catch me." Of course the hopeless romantic in me loved the story. She guided him and let him know her true heart at the same time getting to know his and falling in love in new ways then she had before. They almost lost each other due to doubts and uncertainty but in the end he finally found her. And I remember being so inspired that I wrote my own cryptic note for someone someday to read and had stuck in the back of this novel, forgetting about it until almost a year later.

*I apologise for the lame attempt at poetry, and excuse me if there isn't any thing "poetic" about it. English was never my strong suit and we tend have a love/hate relationship with each other. But here is the poem.

Catch Me

Fight me
Fight with me
Fight for me
Challenge me
Stretch me
Pull me
Shape me
Chase me
Tame me
Catch me

Push me
Top me
Be stronger than me
Out-man me
Cherish me
Protect me
Stand up for me
Respect me
Care for me
Care with me
Catch Me

Duel for me
Duel with me
Joust for me
Joust with me
Rescue me
Save me
Know me
Like me
Love me
Catch me

Be the man I need you to be
If you don't you may just loose me.
Are you going to catch me?
Is no one going to catch me?

I thought that you were the one,
but here I am without someone.
Alone and lost without out a guide,
with no one standing by my side.

Catch Me, that's what I told you,
but you have seem to have fallen through;
the cracks inside my heart are deep,
filled with only these tears I weep.

All alone is where I stand,
on the shifting hills of sand,
Time itself will not stand by,
and soon my love will slowly die.

If only my dream could be real,
to hold you close and really feel.
Before I loose myself too much,
bring me back with your touch.

In this darkened room I stand,
thinking that you hold my hand.
This feeling on my senses play,
hearing words that you can't say.

I'm standing on Love's final edge,
balancing on that ragged ledge.
But then I feel hands about my waist,
saving me from Death's greedy taste.

I feel your body next to mine,
touches sparking down my spine.
You put your mouth next to my ear,
and say the words I need to hear,

"I caught you"

So yeah. Tonight has been all about fairy tales, knights and heroes to me, So I thought I'd share that because not only did it inspired me, but touched me later when I found it again. I hope that maybe it might have touched you too.

Looking Glass

I'm a little lost when it comes to the people I have surrounded myself with.
They're so...
They just need to go away.
I'm tired of holding my tongue back because I might offend someone who offends people on a daily basis. Its true. Everyone hates you because you're an egotistical, vain, attention-whore. I know when not to act like a girl and shoot back with petty remarks, more than I can say about you. I hope someone smacks you in the face with a good dose of reality and can confidently say that it is coming soon. No one can stand to be around you they're just too polite to walk away. We all talked about you today. You left outside and everyone let lose. Did you not notice that when you walked back in how the conversation died? No, you were too busy thinking everyone loves you. (BUZZER) WRONG!! You're so insensitive and discriminating. You're jokes aren't funny, they're hurtful. There is a reason you're the only one laughing. Everyone actively tries to avoid you and talks about you the second you're gone. Its disgusting how shallow and petty you are. Insult my clothes, fine. Insult my political choices, whatever its not like its new. Insult my religion, why not? Its practically our nation's greatest pastime at this point. But when you assault my character I'm done. I loved how it was my fault when a job wasn't done. Didn't matter if it wasn't my job to begin with because apparently it's always MY fault when something goes wrong or falls apart!!! So if a job wasn't getting done why didn't you get off your royal butt and do it? Oh whats that? You're a lazy slacker? Oh sorry I forgot for a second that you might have been a decent human being. If I hear one more story about how your life has been handed to you on a gold platter lined with pixie dust and sunshine all the while you're gossiping horrible things about me behind my back I might just haul off and rip that silver spoon out of your mouth and beat you over the head with it.
I'm done.
I'm done with you and the headaches you always bring.
Now I'm sure there are others reading that at one point thought this might have been them. I wouldn't be surprised but the truth of the matter is that its not. The person this is about doesn't even know this blog exists. But to those few my only question to you is why? Did you expect it? Are you digging for a reason to hate me? Are you that into yourself that everything around you is about you? Or are you miserable and you want to make sure that everyone around you is as miserable as you?
I have noticed in the last year that the age old saying is true, Misery loves company. That's why I wrote this rant, because the last thing I want to do is make some one else feel better by putting me down and making my life a living hell. Too many times. I've had too many people that I called friends and cared about stab me in the back. Guys and girls alike. People love drama, drama makes people miserable and gives others a sense of entitlement. "Well she did this.." or "He said that.." Everyone around me says that they hate drama, but as those words are coming out of their mouth the dagger is sinking into someone else's back. I hate people who have made the lives around them so miserable that people have to censor what they do and how they talk or how they might respond because they know that if that person finds out your life becomes hell. I thought I left it all behind in High School but no. Obviously I wouldn't be writing this if it didn't. People in college are just as petty and miserable as those I left behind in High School. They live for drama and because we are all pretty much forced to see each other 24/7 it happens. Why have I gone home so many times recently? Because if I don't I'll go insane. I'm already a hermit. I only come out during short periods of time because I don't want to talk to people. I constantly hear "Jocelyn I hardly ever see you anymore!", "We haven't talked in forever!", "Where have you been? We thought you died!"
Wanna know where I've been?
Back in my old pattern I established senior year. Make myself so busy that I won't have to deal with people if it isn't in a formal setting. I bustle from classes to meetings to appointments to jobs to volunteering to programs to planning... all in the hopes that I don't have to talk to anyone. I wont go back to it, that place needs to stay away. I fought it so hard and now when I thought that I can finally move on, it comes back. I'm doing good! I should be happy! I have a great boyfriend, a wonderful family, I'm finally doing well in school and getting my body back to the way I loved it. But why am I so close to going back there? I see her. Staring back at me with that false smile that says she's okay when she really isn't. She hated herself. Didn't understand why she was constantly passed over, ignored or hated. What had she done? Was she not good enough? Was she not pretty enough? Was she too loud? Too rude? Too... too...
No. She wont cry anymore. She's strong and beautiful. She was just a swan swimming with ducks.
But that's her.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I became cross and short with my mother over nothing, I have been neglecting my relationship with my boyfriend and its tearing me up inside, I hardly ever talk anymore, I have been hurting those I love without even trying, I have made my grandfather who I love and adore think that I am angry at him and don't love him anymore, and worst of all I've neglected my walk with God. I've let petty people keep me from truly worshiping him and it hurts. I love singing praise songs and letting my voice tell God how much I love him, but that hardly happens now. I will admit I've been tested and refined but each time I still know that I'm probably going to fail at one point or another. I've grown. I can see it. But at the same time it feels that what I've gained isn't even close to what I've lost.
I was so secure in who I was and what my character is, and now its like looking into tarnished silver. I can catch glimpses of my true potential but there seems to be so much crud to get through just to be able to see it, let alone make it shine.
I know I'm not perfect. I'm anything but. Still. I only hope that this doubt will go away and I can truly shine for him.
I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of holding back. I'm tired of sitting and watching. I'm tired of watching people ruin other peoples lives.
But I have to remember that I can't save the world. That's not my job. I'm not a super hero despite what quizzes might say. I'm just a person in need of forgiveness and touched by grace.
I may not be a super hero, but at least I know one.