Please stop.
I don't what I did to you to deserve this kind of treatment. I don't care that you apparently lied about wanting to date me. I don't care that you made me believe that you cared for me. I don't care that you lied about why we were breaking up and are dating again now. I don't care about her and how in a week she has been treated more like your girlfriend than I ever was in the almost 2 months we dated.
What I do care about is that you feel that it is alright to brag about what we did behind closed doors to my friends and maybe strangers. I constantly felt pressured in our relationship to do things I didn't want to do. You constantly went too far and made me feel uncomfortable. Oh sure, when I called you on it you pumped the breaks, but that never really stopped you from trying to see how far you could push me before I balked did it? That was wrong of you.
I should have left you then but I was constantly blaming it on me, excusing it away as that being a normal thing girlfriends, even virginal ones, did. So yes, I let you take a lot of my firsts, but no one should know that.
What you are doing now is despicable. I don't know why you hate me so to try to slut shame me now. I did what you asked by not spreading your families business around, by not broadcasting you dumped me in the most humiliating way possible by lying, even told off my friends who tried defending me by expressing their displeasure at our parting. You probably didnt know that, that every person who said that they snubbed you I begged them to not, that they had no idea what you were going through and that it wasnt fair to you. Now I wish that I had let them because that is exactly what you are doing to me.
I am sitting here at 3 am in my bed equal parts mortified and terrified.
Embarrassed that you feel it's alright to lie, say it was all my idea, that I initiated everything, that I pushed for everything sexual that happened, that I forced you to take things this far, that you felt trapped and that you don't want to hurt my feelings but had to tell someone. That what I did, in what was supposed to be a committed relationship based on trust and respect, is now ample fodder for gossip and malicious conversation.
Terrified that you will tell too many people, important people and destroy my reputation. That you will destroy me in a way only a man can. A barbaric and dishonorable way to strip me of all dignity and respect in the eyes of my peers. To humiliate me because you know how much I value my privacy. That I am an intensely private person who does not revel in public displays of affection or bragging about conquests.
Once again ironic considering it was you who bragged and boasted about me, made our relationship public and forced me into the spot light. People I barely knew, even on 2 occasions complete strangers, were told about you dating me and how happy you were. How you felt you didn't deserve me and how excited you were to date me.
There is a silver lining though.
My friends.
Each and every one you seem to have tried to poison against me have instead rallied to my side in my defense. They are appalled at your actions. Do you know what is being said about you? That you're a liar, a sociopath, despicable, a dick, a cad, disgusting, immature, cowardly, juvenile, vindictive, untrustworthy, whorish, malicious and more.
You are literally digging your own social grave.
The truth always comes out and people don't take kindly to liars.
The irony of the situation? If you had just told me you were unhappy and that you wanted to see other people I would have agreed. We would have parted friends. All of this heartache, which you claim you want to spare causing me, could have been avoided. If we had had a conversation like adults none of this would be happening now.
So I'm torn.
Do I confront you on how you are treating me to try and stop the behavior before it spreads to far?
Or do I trust on my friends and reputation that no one takes you seriously and you hang yourself with your own rope before you do anything too damaging?
I am going to do the one thing that will probably piss you off the most instead.
I am going to pray.
I am going to turn to the one man who has always cared for me and never let me down. The one that I know has my best interest at heart. And do you know what I am going to ask for?
Your pain to go away.
I can see it clearly now. Your family is falling apart. You have shouldered the burdens no one asked you to take. You feel like you have been denied your dream of the Marines to try and salvage an impossible situation. You have walked away from your faith, when you felt like your church fell apart.
Much like in high school where you almost destroyed your life attempting to rebel against your mother you again are trying to destroy yours, and mine in the process, while rebelling against God.
I don't think you thought that your friends would pick my side. I don't think you realize what you are doing is wrong. You despair about Disney being no better than high school, when you are the one acting like a child.
I will go on to greater things. God already has moved me out of your reach. You are only a moment to better prepare me for the man that will truly make me happy one day.
But I pray you heal and hopefully learn a lesson from all of this.
I learned I have an amazing and loyal group of friends. That my reputation proceeds and protects me. I learned that I am so much better than what you gave, that I deserve more. And finally that no matter what God loves and protects me.
So God speed, for now I wash my hands of you and turn towards the promise of better things. I hope you find the same.
