End of Camp No. 1

So Grades have come out and the first term of my Freshman year of college has come to an end. It honestly wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Honestly if you keep top of everything and not party like every one else is, you do just fine. I actually ended up with a 3.5 GPA for this first term, two A-'s and two B+'s. Honestly I don't know why a college has +'s and -'s. But whatever makes them feel good. It's surprising that I managed to pull that out with all of the own stuff going on in my life at the time. First off I spent most of my first semester sick with still yet to be determined illness and was miserable for a good majority of it. Then on top of that I had two persons of , well lets just say that we didn't mesh. Anyways besides the headaches and the nausea I still managed to get all of my work done. Amazing. I think these are the best grades I have ever gotten. Huh, who knew it would take me 12 years to figure school out? Well then!

It hasn't been all gloom and doom down in Southern Oregon. There have been some fantastically good times too. There was Ice skating for my friend Laruen and my roommate Erika's birthdays. Then I had just a Jocelyn day that soon became a girls day that eventually ended in everyone heading off to go watch Across the Universe in a movie theater full of stoned hippies. Imagine we're in Ashland. Who knew that there were other things you can do at college than party? Anyways.

Next semester should be interesting. Some of my more 'favorite' people may not be comming back next term. One of them moved out before this past term was even over. On top of that we have a new RA, new floor mates, and new classes (for the most part). So a whole new set of things are going to make it fun. I have only two days of classes each week. Tuesday and Thursdays from 8 to 3:30, but no breaks for moi, four whole classes back to back. The rest of the week I might have a job that is also from 8 to 3:30. So, I'll still have time for school don't worry, but still not go totally insane from boredom.

Well, that's all really. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Auggghhh!

I have decided that boys are silly and should be avoided at all costs. They aren't good for one's constitution, peace of mind, and overall health.
In short, Auuuggghhh!!
Boys, I ask you a question. Why is it that every time I want a boyfriend and actively go looking for one y'all won't give me the time of day, but the second I stop or give up suddenly there is a ton of you breaking down my door? Or even worse, I re-connect with you years after I had to say goodbye and find out that you have always had a crush on me but for one reason or another never told me? At the moment I am up to about 5 of you and its starting to get disgusting.
Another thing about boys is that dating in college is harder than I would ever have thought. Suddenly I'm confronted by questions that I have never really had to answer before. What do I want in a man? Of course there are always the fairy tale answers. He must be handsome, charming, witty, and brave. The epitome of the brave knight on a gallant white horse. Too bad that more often his white horse is a broken down Chevy bronco. But perfection is over rated. The question still lies. What do I want? Do I want a man who makes me laugh? Or are his brains going to outweigh his brawn? On top of that everything has a more... permanent sense to everything. Things I do now could end in marriage and soon. So what I am afraid of is that maybe I will make a mistake. So what do I do? What any sensible woman does, I make a list. But what does one put on such a list? The first things I thought of are things that I will not bend on. My future husband, whoever he might be, must have a strong sense of faith. I have decided that I will not date or marry a man that does not have a solid faith in Jesus. There are so many temptations, headaches, heart aches and pain that comes along when you date someone who isn't a believer. I have found that it is hard to relate to people that aren't Christians because their whole base on life is so different than my own. Things that I have always considered musts in my daily life are afterthought to most people. Without knowing it I have gained the reputation of "the good girl". And while I'm flattered it still doesn't solve the problem. Having to start off a relationship saying, "Hi my name is Jocelyn, I'm a Christian and please no republican jokes. I am a virgin, so no you aren't getting any no matter how hard you try. And I don't drink, do drugs or break "most" rules. So you still want to give it a try?" That just doesn't feel right. I don't think that I am supposed to have to start it off that way. It's unfortunate that I have to even think about that at all but stating it at the beginning is better than later because it is a problem. But not having to say it at all it the best. I don't know maybe it's just me. I've found that I really don't relate to a lot of the people I meet in college. I don't constantly think of sex or the next party where I can get smashed or stoned. I enjoy getting good grades and do homework when I need to. Profanities and crude humor aren't funny and I don't want to explain why for the millionth time. It's starting to get sad really. But that's another topic.
Back to my future man! After faith he must be funny. I don't think that I could be with a man that didn't make me laugh and me him. Humor is such a huge part of me that I need it in order to live I guess. He also needs to challenge me. I need someone who stimulates my intellect and gives me a fight, be it a debate or a full out brawl. I am a creature that thrives on a healthy sense of competition and if He doesn't fit the bill then I probably will leave. I like someone who will not be afraid to throw down and start wrestling or something like that, giving me that chance to prove that I'm not weak or fragile, but a strong woman. But he can't always let me win. Everybody needs a win every once in a while, but if I constantly win then you lose. But meeting me half way is a must. I will meet him as much as I can, but he needs to meet me back. He also needs to know when to take charge. I won't be the pants in the relationship. I spend most of my time taking care of others and for once I want someone to take care of me. After that I also need someone that understands me. Understands that even though I tend to shove the fact that I am a tomboy to the fore front that I am actually quite the girly-girl. I love feeling beautiful, be it in a dress or while I'm dancing or something else. I need a guy who will make me feel like that all the time. Even when I'm acting like the tomboy. He also needs to understand that I have a passion for almost everything. I love anything classical. Be it music, literature, plays and even dances. Especially dancing. Many a potential boyfriend was killed after a failed dance. My family has a joke that goes like this “If he can't dance then he really has no chance.” I can't blame them. I have stopped seeing 6 different guys after they took me to a dance and I couldn't enjoy it. I have the longing that I can just waltz with my beau and have the best time of my life. That comes to what I will count as my last point. He must understand and encourage the fact that I am a helpless romantic. While I'm not expecting Him to carry me off to his castle after love at first sight, I love the little things that make girls go "awe".
I guess the only reason that I’m doing this is because I am unsure about a relationship I have right now. He likes me and is more than meeting me half way, but I just can’t do it. Too many red flags go off in my head. First and foremost is his lack of faith. I just can’t get over it. Everything I have been taught tells me that this relationship shouldn’t happen, but I still think that he deserves a chance. But now it’s at the point that even when I just think about him I start to feel uncomfortable and that isn’t right. The whole entire time we have been “Dating” I’ve been looking for a way out. I shouldn’t feel trapped, but I am. I feel slightly backed into a corner even though no one has forced me there. I just don’t want to, plain and simple. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, sweet, shy, and cute. He’s like a giant teddy bear. But he’s just all wrong for me. He isn’t really anything up there on my list. Sure he fits a few, but not the crucial ones. I just don’t want to hurt him. He’s been hurt so much recently and… Oh Lord that’s the only reason I’m staying with him. I feel bad for him. That isn’t fair to him. I really should call it off. But I don’t know when. He just lost a dear friend to something really horrible and calling it off now may just be another slap in the face. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should do it fast and quick like a band-aid and hope that it doesn’t leave a bigger wound than the one it was covering. Maybe I should just let it be and let nature take its course.
Maybe I should just pray about it.
Yeah. That sounds good.

K Mom, Here it is.

Because I was told to do a happy one to assure everyone that I wasn't becoming a emo-hippie and was plotting to do evil evil things to everyone around me. Yeah.

So here it is, Jocelyn's Words of Wisdom.

Slurpees are great motivational tools to finish something you don't want to do.
One should never go to 711 at midnight unless in a group of 3 or more, only freaks and weirdos are up at that ungodly hour, (HELLO!).
Your life is not complete until you have seen Sir Ian Macellan river dancing on the late show.
Your life is over when you finally hear that he has come out of the closet, (tear!).
Squirrels apparently make fantastic pancakes.
You know that they English officially hate you when they make you into their food.
Adrenaline is the worst killer of sleep.
Auditions do wonders for one's insomnia... not.
Abstract art becomes even funkier the later the clock gets...
Two-bite scones are only two bites for the first five scones, after that you stop counting.
Ice-gripping eyes are a new phrase that describe my person.
Is the plural for mongoose; mongeese, mongooses, or mongi?
The grey squirrel is the modonna of squirrels (And I am li-ving in a mat-er-ial world and I-'m just a ma-terial.. squirrel!)
And you know it's too late when you are giggleing at a rendition of Ave Maria by Michael Bolton because he has a stain glass windows flying across the screen, for no real reason other than they look churchey (which is my new word as of now, Copyrights, Dibbs, Snakes, Nose Goes! Whatever!) And he's singing but it's from another music video because his mouth totally doesn't sync. Darn You YOUTUBE and you not correctness!!

And now for your moment of zen: "When a M-a-an loves a wo-man, and can't keep his mind on nothing else..."

GOODNIGHT AND GOOD LUCK!

Vents are good.

How can everything I say suddenly make me the bad guy?
I laugh and make a joke. You call me a horrible person. All I said was that it's funny when you get hurt during pillow fights, because it's pillows! They're like battle wounds! Something that you need to be proud of. And suddenly now all I want to do is try to kill people with my pillow, draw blood and be a massively barbaric person... You're a headache.
I try to bond with you through laughing, you hate comedy.
I try to bond with you over food, you hate everything I mention.
I try to help you with your audition, you fight me so much that I feel like I'm pulling teeth.
I can't be constantly soothing your ego and holding your hand every step of the way. Usually when I give someone a compliment I mean it. Don't shoot it down. Doing anything with you is like going to a bad dentist appointment. You wanted to try out, so I helped you so much that I almost didn't have time for my own pieces. I even went so far to get outside help that I had hardly met to come help us. But god forbid you get over your insecurities about cute boys and totally waste the time. Not only did it make you look like the idiot you were afraid to look like but you made me look like one too. I felt uncomfortable for you and then for myself. Here I was meeting someone for the first time really and not only do you make me feel bad, you try and make me look like a jerk because I'm better than you. WELL I DON'T CARE ANY MORE!! I don't care that I can sing better than you! I don't care that I can dance better than you! I don't care if I can act better than you! If you think all of these things on top of your stupid stage freight than maybe you shouldn't be a freaking' theater major!!! There's a thought for ya. OH LORD, You're such a negative person! I can't stand being around you most of the time. I have tried to make that clear, but you don't seem to get the message. We have nothing in common. I'm fed up of you hating the world and being the most negative person I know, but the second I utter anything even close to negative sentence I am horrible and should feel guilty for something that isn't even wrong. You can't fix the world and maybe some of the things in the world can't be fixed because they don't need to be. Not eating meat won't save the animals, because what you won't eat someone else will. Marching and laying down in streets won't bring the troops home any faster. It didn't work in Vietnam, it won't work now. We even just went to a movie that said that and you still don't get it! I think I know what the problem is though. You need to stop wearing your heart on you bloody sleeve. Everything sets you off. But you are so clueless to how people function. I don't blame you for that. I blame you growing up in a ridiculously small town. But I do blame you for thinking that every comment is about you. Not everyone is calling you fat. Not everyone is calling you dumb. People actually say nice things and not everyone is a complete jerk. But you also don't know when to let things go. I have finally gotten over an issue and you drudge it back up. And you keep bringing it back up! Over and Over and Over!! Here we are trying to bury the issue and you keep trying to restart the whole thing. You cry and whine about hating drama, but you're the one trying to keep it alive. But that's not just it!! I say I'm confident about something and you shoot me down. You somehow make me feel guilty about things that I'm good at and that is wrong. That is so wrong. I can't take it anymore. I'm done. I need a break. From You. From college. From drama. From whiny people that are acting worse than some of my Venture kids back home. And they're half your age!! You're College Students For Heavens Sakes! Not children. But I guess the second you're ripped away from your spoiling parents you go looking for your next mom to coddle you. Well it's not me so don't try and make it me. I'm not your mom. I won't hold your hand. This time tomorrow I could honestly care less about your hand because I'm looking out for mine. No one is worried about my hand. And if I don't worry about my own hand, then no one down here will. I've already learned that. No one down here really cares if you actually succeed or not. Oh sure, friends will miss you, teachers will notice you're gone. But after a few weeks they forget and move on to who is actually still here. So, stop. My break starts now. I'm going to shut my door, or not be in my room. I have other Friends. Unsurprisingly it's all of the other older Ra's. But the key word is OLDER. They don't whine, they don't care, they don't gossip, they don't try to make you look like an idiot at all hours of the day. GAH! I wish I had a car. Then I would pile a bag full of clothes and just go home to my family where everything makes sense. I'm loved there and I understand the people I'm with. Here I'm often so stressed beyond belief. And I have finally figured out why. It's not school, it's not boys, it's not my social life. My room mate said that the definition of stress is the 'act of wanting to kill someone or something and restraining from doing so, against better judgement'. And now I know where all of my stress is coming from. It's coming from you and him. Well leave me alone. I left a stressful environment hoping college would be a welcome change and you're not helping. So don't expect me to drag you along anymore. It's not my job to make college work for you. So, you do your thing, or lack there of, and I'll do mine. And then there will be less stress for all.

Gah! I'm so tired.

I thought that I had left it all behind.
The gossiping, the stories, the names, and the drama. But no, It followed me.
People are many things. And now I have seen different sides of everyone.
We've finally hit that halfway point in the first term and the 'Nice-to-meet-you' facade is gone. People's ugly sides are finally coming out. Cat fights are running amok in 2nd floor Green Springs C.
And I'm tired....
I'm tired of you being negative
I'm tired of you being a jerk
I'm tired of you being a know it all when you clearly aren't
I'm tired of you being a down right ass
I'm tired of you being combative
I'm tired of you being always needing to be right
I'm tired of you being more of a woman that I am
I'm tired of you making no effort to compromise
I'm tired of you making me feel like I'm an idiot
I'm tired of you making me so confused

I'm tired of you shooting down all of my ideas

I'm tired of you insulting my opinions

I'm tired of you challegning my beliefs

I'm tired of you reminding me of my weight

I'm tired of you giving me false compliments

I'm tired of you thinking I'm your vent

I'm tired of having always assure you

I'm tired of having to always stroke your ego

I'm tired of having to share everything

I'm tired of feeling sick

I'm tired of feeling like an idiot

I'm tired of feeling liken the oldest person in the room

I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only mature one

I'm tired of feeling like I need to hit something

I'm tired of rolling my eyes

I'm tired of crying

I'm tired of feeling lonely

I'm tired of hearing things about others

I'm tired of hearing things about myself

I'm tired of giving you second chances

I'm tired of trying to bridge gaps

I'm tired of being the only one who hasn't gone home

I'm tired of anyone not really knowing me

I'm tired of no one really caring

I'm tired of not really knowing anyone else

I'm tired of not getting a real hug

I'm tired of not being home

I'm tired of not knowing where everything is

I'm tired of not being able to really have my own space

I'm tired of not being able to be truely alone

I'm tired of not being able to see my sister

I'm tired of not being able to tackle my brother

I'm tired of not being able to hug my mom

I'm tired of not being able to watch football with my dad

I'm tired of not being able to see my grandma smile

I'm tired of not being able to remind my grandpa to turn his ears up

I'm tired of not being able to play with my puppy

I'm tired of not being able to sleep in my own bed

I'm just tired.

The Great Update

So, there's alot to cover. So sit back and hold on for the ride.

First off, Orientation was crazy.

I've never seen so many peppy people all in the same area. But it was fun! Meet a lot of new faces, and did some really interesting things. I can honestly say that I have ridden a mechanical bull in my life time. I even got a bruise that lasted for, like, 2 weeks. Met my new roomies, only I didn't know it then, and alot of really cool people.

My classes are really fun and I love my schedule. Most of my classes aren't very hard and for the most part senior year was harder than college is right now. *Knock on Wood* So here's hoping. I just hit midterms too, so good luck to me. I passed all of mine with flying colors which is good.

I'm sure you have already heard but I'll update you anyways. Yes, it's true I am on room mate #2. Chelsey didn't work out. I tried to make it work out but there were factors working against me. She was an only child that lived a half an hour away from her parents, had never lived away from home before, scatter-brained, a whiner and generally negative person. I mean she showed up to move in day with a box full of clothes, a comforter, and a microwave. Nothing else. I mean I should have seen the neon flashing sign from heaven, but being the good person I am I let her use one of my pillows. Week goes by and next thing I know it's a Thursday 3 weeks into classes and she comes in really late the night before and sleeps through her 8 o'clock class. So I wake her up on my way out to Math and don't think twice about it. Next thing I know I get a text halfway through class that went like this:

"Dude they told me i could have a single room im moving today sorry dude but i didnt know i could have one"

And when I got back she had completely moved out. Not even a "Hey thanks for being a cool roommate" But nope. She even sent one of her friends to get all the things left in her desk instead of coming herself. The only other time I talked to her since is that she came down out of the blue, asked me if I could fix her cell (which I did) and left. I KNOW! WHAT THE HECK?

Anyways! I have a new roommate now. Her name is Erika. She's from California and Christian, which is a stellar combination. She's an uber christian, so it is so my goal to bring her out of her shell. She reeks of home school and I am slowly introducing her to the finer things of college. We're working up to Rocky Horror tomorrow and I think she'll be okay, but pray for us just in case. But were like one of those dream team roommates, so alike it's scary. Only like everything else in life I'm the louder one. But my floor is really cool. Other than Erika and I the rest of my group is either vegan, vegetarian, or just plain strange. But they're pretty cool so I'll let it slide.

The dorms themselves however are a mess. There seems to be a party every Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night... you get the pattern. It got so bad the other night that 911 was called because a girl at the party a floor above us had passed out and wasn't responding. Yeah, go state school. I moved into the party dorm which probably doesn't help. But our floor seems pretty cool and we haven't gotten in trouble... yet. We do have a fun time though. I the past week we've had a potluck, a hero's marathon, Sunday brunch, movie night, and a Disney marathon. So I'm not sitting home in my room, twiddling my thumbs.

So I finally found out for sure that I don't have mono. I have a new strand of the flu that gives all the symptoms of mono, like exhaustion, nausea, headaches, and more; but that my spleen won't explode if I push myself, so it's a blessing I guess. I've had it for about 2 weeks now and still feel it every once in a while but am getting better. However I am proving the saying starve a fever and feed a cold because I woke up with a scratchy throat this morning. Lovely. Oh well, I just have to cough sneeze and hack my way through 3 more weeks and I'll be able to come home and sleeping in my own bed.

Yay. Bed.

When a crime breaks out, all the cute girls shout...its the good lookin guy!!

I was facebook cruising the other day and found the best group ever. The name of the group is, and I quote, "Feeny...Feeny....Fee-hee-hee-heeny...".

Yup! You Guessed it! It's a Boy Meets World group. It is a whole group dedicated to the 90's best television show! This group is a global group and for the most part the people in it loved the show growing up and still love it. There are over 150,000 members!! Imagine! A wholesome, clean, morally active, and family valued television show was and still is has touched thousands of people. It's amazing to read people's comments and see how Boy Meets World affected their life. If you don't get anything else I write today then go read their comments and see for yourself.

Here is the link:http://hs.facebook.com/wall.php?id=2204842098&page=0&%20=5b8ddaa9824101836aee65db29207103

Each person that has posted has their favorite moments that still makes them laugh. I admit that I love them all. It's a blast to go back and read every one's favorite memories. Most of them hilarious and either involving the ever lovable Eric Matthews, or the wise and all knowing George Feeney. Now there is a paradox of a character. An older educator that not only is a good teacher but actively cares and helps his students in and out of school. Hmm. Could we say a good guy? Huh. A man that was portrayed as a mentor seems to have mentored more than the onscreen characters. I know that many of the lessons I faced growing up I saw on Boy Meets World and watching Mr. Feeney guide Cory, Topanga, Shaun, and Eric felt like he was helping me as well. It was an uber bonus that he was one of my favorite actors as well. I enjoyed his witty sarcasm that slowly lead everyone to the solution that they needed and to see someone so invested on helping others was a real impact on my life. I'm also not the only one. Thousands of people wrote about how they were taught through the fictional teacher's actions. I am amazed. If a good television show can do this, what are the ones we are watching today teaching us?

But that's a topic for another day. I promise. (Really Michael, it will come faster than the last ones, I swear!!)

I Mainly watched the show because of Eric Matthews. All of my favorite moments involve him. From Mr. Plays With Squirrels to Chantelle (Eric's inner female). To stalking Topanga and the Horror show episode. Lessons were inadvertently learned in between the giggles. Take Mr. Plays With Squirrels, I will always remember...

Eric: "Its me manifesto" Corey: "There must be 4000 pages!" Jack: "They are all blank! Only the first one has words on it!" Shaun: "What does it say?" Jack: "Lose one friend, Lose all friends, lose yourself!" Corey: "Why are the rest of the pages blank?" Eric: "Nothing else seemed important."

To this day I remember it and have tried my hardest to do so. Thank the lord for myspace and facebook or it would have been much harder.

So I thank the 90's. Yes, I said I thank the 90's. Their wholesome television show made me laugh, cry, learn, love and grow. I will always stop and watch the reruns and yell the Feeney call when it comes. "Undapants!" will always make me giggle. You don't always have to make sense to be loved. The opposite of funny will always be wood. And true friends will love you, care for you, fight for you, and even occasionally hurt you, but will always stick by you and fight for your friendship. Because they are TRUE friends.

So I shall leave you with my most treasured moment that I will always cry to, probably even when I'm 80.

Mr. Feeney turns to an empty classroom. We see it's the very classroom where he taught in the beginning of the series. He walks up to the front desk that where Topanga, Corey and Shaun always sat. He taps the desk and looks up. With a small and sad voice we hear.

"I love you all.... Class dismissed."

We love you too, Mr. Feeney. Thank you for your guidance for over 20 years.

3 am Ramblings

I hate not being able to sleep.
I hate having regrets and doubts plauge me in the middle of the night.
I hate always feeling lonely right before I fall asleep.
I hate feeling like I'm losing my family by going off to college.
I hate that I don't feel good about myself because I don't have anyone.
I hate feeling like I should tell the guy that I'm crushing on that I like them and then feel rejected without even telling them yet, then worry about being rejected becuase I already feel like it.
I hate hearing that people think I'm calm, cool, and collected, when inside I'm a confused mess and don't understand why they think that.
I hate that I don't feel pretty because no one likes me.
I hate knowing that it's not true and that's not me thinking.
I hate that I still worry about opinions because of a group of girls who teased me in middle school and freshman year.
I hate that I often can't get the courage to hang out with people more.
I hate that I think I don't have any close friends when I have lots of people who love me.
I hate that I don't trust guys because too many have hurt me.
I hate that I can't let go of my hurts and have clung to them in the back of my mind.
I hate that I can't seem to turn this over to God and let him help me.
BUT:
I love my eyes.
I love my personality.
I love my creativity.
I love my best friend/sister.
I love my family so much it hurts.
I love my friends.
I love my dog's undying devotion that gives me hope.
I love the relationship I have with my parents.
I love that I can tell my Mom anything.
I love that I can tell a joke to my Dad and he won't get it.
I love to dance becuase it makes me feel beautiful.
I love putting the beauty of things around me into photographs.
I love that I have both sets of grandparents to spoil me.
I love that I was able to meet and learn from the amazing women my great-grandmothers were while I could.
I love that I am a strong woman of faith, even if I don't feel like it at times.
I love that I am really intellegent despite what my grades say.
I love that I enjoy reading for fun, even if they are fairytales.
I love that I have enough hope to believe that I could live a fairytale if I wanted to.
I love trying to find the silver-lining in everything.
I love to help others as much as I can.
I love making others feel good, it makes me feel good with them.
I love that I feel like I can express my doubts and know that my friends will help me through it.
I love that I believe in God's promise and know that I am always loved and cared for no matter what

So...

Thoughts to ponder and truisms of life:

Energy Drinks, being tired, and being left alone to one's own devices are never good.

Teriyaki Sauce and hot cars don't mix.

A secret chocolate stash saves lives.

The combination of corn dogs, cotton candy, hamburgers, and any other artery blocking food smell are not good all at the same time..... especially for 4 days in a row.

Cats don't make good hockey pucks.

Dogs and hard wood floors never mix.

Ice melts just as fast in cold water as in hot.

Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Life happens while your making plans.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

So what's the speed of dark?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Itza AH Broken!

So I tried adding that new poll feature and it has totally totaled my blog. Hopefully they can fix it soon. If not I may be doing some updating (Making a new one) somewhere else. So yeah.... Hope they can fix it.

But for now I am making a complete duplicate of the one I had and if nothing works out.. well this will just become the new one!

The age old saying...

Men are strange creatures.

Occasionally I look at them and think 'maybe God was distracted when making them, because they hardly ever make sense to me'.

Guys are puzzles.

Basic ideas are often lost on them. Their logic and ways of thinking are either confusing or blaring simple that you over look it. You tell them things that you believe are important and it's "in one ear and out the other". But they often remember things you said weeks ago that you believed to be trivial and not worth the memory space. They are sweet but are often jerks. They try to do the right thing, but more often than not it is not even close.

Often oblivious about how girls feel about them. Be it good or bad. They go after the girls they know they will never get and completely ignore the ones right in front of them. Or they play with the ones that care for them and then completely shut them down. I hate the saying, "You're like a sister to me." OR "I'm so glad you're my best friend." THEY SUCK! Guys are allowed to string girls along and play them like dolls. Then they get away with it!

How many a time have you seen two girls go after the same guy and when one of them gets rejected they go after the other girl instead of the guy. It's not the girls fault! The jerk that brushed you off is the one you should be mad at, not her. It's like guys are operating on a whole different set of rules then girls.

The whole situation is one I hate.

But at the same time I thrive, or at least think I do.

And yet, I'm still stuck. I like a guy. He's cute, smart, athletic and generally a nice guy. But there is no way that I am going to tell him that I like him. He is in that whole "no touchy" area. Not to mention that seeing each other is quickly becoming complicated. I haven't seen him in a long time. But we still talk and I enjoy that. Gah! This is starting to get ridiculous! I have never been good at crushes. Mostly because I never tell the person that I have a crush on that I do. Sometimes I come close to practically throwing myself at them and more often than not they either like my best friend or go date someone else.

I seem to always be stuck in the role of confidant. The go between for the two parties when I really like the same guy. But no! I have to be the noble one and sacrifice my feelings for my friends. For once I wish I could be selfish and just say no. But I know that I never will. I just can't even begin to picture what would happen if I could. It probably wouldn't be pretty and I would feel horrible the whole time.

Gosh Darn this thing called a conscience!

I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.

I like a guy. I do nothing to show him I do. I try encouraging him to date someone (thinking he is talking about me). He dates one of my friends. And I'm left feeling heartbroken. It has happened time after time. I'm the friend. I'm the one the guy says "Thank you, I couldn't have done it without you." Then runs off with the girl of his dreams while I'm left standing on the corner smiling sadly.

It sucks for now.

But I at least have the dream that someday it really will happen like it does in fairy tales and Chick Flicks. That I will be the one that he is running off with someday.

*le sigh*

Sorry about that. One should never watch romantic tragedies when one is tired and cranky...

Myspace isn't just for stalkers

So I am feeling majorly nostalgic today.
I went on to myspace and started trying to find friends that I haven't seen in forever and just see how they are doing.
(*Side note* Myspace is the best place to make you feel like God, you just click on a button and you can just get a glimpse of how everyone is doing without having to make awkward conversation if you haven't seen them in a while, it's great)
Anyways! I was amazed to see how so many of my friends have changed and yet at the same time haven't changed at all. Most of my friends were goofballs when I knew them and still are today, if not more. We have all grown so much. It's amazing. I go back and look at pictures of my friends and I from 4 or 5 years ago and we all look so small and young. Now everyone is graduating from high school and off to bigger and better things.
Then I clicked on to my own profile. I've grown up too. I have changed since I moved down here. I'm more confident in myself and I learned important lessons in life, both good and bad.
I'm no longer the little girl who use to fly through the air on the bars, play in the tree house in the woods, ride bikes down and back the same street so many times that it would make you sick, or get excited about the new Disney princess spin off. Now I drive cars instead of bikes, I fly through books and homework instead of the bars, and I play on the Internet instead of in a tree house. But somethings don't change. I still enjoy a good princess story, I will always love playing "duck, duck, goose!", Veggie tales will never get old, I will always remember the camp songs I loved growing up, and Spokane will always be a special place for me even if I never go back. Picking on James and messing with Tammy's head will always bring a smile to my face. My mother's sarcastic but hilarious take on life will always cheer me up. Even my father's lame attempt at humor will always make me feel at home.
These are things that I will always hold dear and will miss when I go off to college. Like most people about to undergo a major life change, I'm scared. Life will go on without me here. I'll miss the inside jokes, the funny stories. I won't be here to see my brother and sister try to kill each other every night. I won't be there to try and help explain a joke to my dad and have it totally lose it's humor. I won't be here to totally dish about my day to my mom. I just don't think I could do that. I have the hardest time when people go on vacations or trips without me. I didn't want to miss it. I wanted so bad to not have to go away, not leave and just stay at home the rest of my life. I didn't want anything to change. But then I realized something. If nothing ever changed then neither would I. When I go off to college I'll have my own stories and my own experiences. And it's not like I won't ever see my family again. I had built it up in my brain that I was being banished and that I would never ever see my family again.
And that's no true.
So in all reality I am excited for college, scared, but excited.

Letting Go

There are some things I need to let go of. I have had these feelings pented up for the longest time and I just need to let them go. I hope that these people know who they are and are able to read this. And to everyone else reading this, I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

• I have always considered you one of my best friends down here. I don't know how it happened but for some reason people twisted my words and we begun to hate each other. It crushed me. I wanted so badly to be really good friends with you. I wanted to be close and have someone outside my family know me well. But that didn't happen. Because of some one's insecurity and love for drama that never happened. We are still good friends and for that I am glad. I am so blessed to have gotten to know you and will cherish all the times we have had together. Good luck next year and hopefully we will be able to grow closer in the future.
• I have never hated you. Our youth group is so destructive that unless we have something to worry and fight about we can't seem to function. Once again people were mad at me and I had no idea what I had done. It wasn't until recently that I found out from a friend that once again something I had done was twisted for people's personal love for drama. Something that I had done out of love and worry for you became a malicious act against you. I would never do that. I was concerned about you because you seemed so lost and on a downward spiral. I heard a rumor that I shouldn't have believed and expressed my concern to someone I thought could help. It only made things worse however. Turns out the very rumor that I had heard and acted on was the very one that I was to have started in the first place. Ironic isn't it. When I heard you were mad at me I decided to let things happen on their own. Everything that I seemed to try to do to fix things only made things worse. So I thought to let things take their own course and hand it over to God. Thanks to him we are now on a course to being friends again and I am glad. I hope that when you read this you understand that I really care for you deeply and wish all the best for you in the future.

I feel so much better now that this is all off my chest. I felt like I have needed to say this for the longest time. I actively try to get along with everyone and I don't hate anyone. Yes, I may be mad at people occasionally but I can't stay mad for long. I have way too short of an attention span for that.
SO! The moral of this story is that our youth group has a real problem. We can't seem to ever get along. Yes we have times where everything is good and there isn't any problems, but those hardly last. Everyone is talking about needing change in our youth group and I think that instead of demanding Nichole to fix everything for us we need to work on it ourselves. Instead of all this whining and complainning, all the drama and hurting people, we need to just sit down work it all out. Maybe if we all just sat and talked it out we might be able to fix it. I don't know. I'm praying for all of us and hope that maybe we can all work this out. I know we can do it. We were all getting along so well last Weds. We were laughing, enjoying each other. Geeze, I was even freakin' dropped during a trust fall and couldn't have had a better time! Granted I was sore for the next couple of days, but I enjoyed myself. I hung out with people that I haven't been able to in a long time and that was good. Overall I felt like I was back in Montana and I felt good. We were happy, getting along, beating each other up and just being teenagers. I love this youth group and just want what is the best for us.
So I am totally ready and willing to work on this, are you?

Choices

Life is funny.
People are influenced by choices. Ones they make and ones that are made about them.
It's ironic really.
I thought that I was totally screwed over 2 nights ago. Found out that not only had some one let me down but that they were avoiding telling me that they were letting me down. It hurt. People who I trusted and thought trusted me didn't want to help me and came really close to ruining opportunities for me. But things are looking up and the little "irony faeries" that God created for just these situations have made it so that I might be earning twice what I had already planned. Yay God!

Rejection

It sucks.

I watch as people put themselves out there in the faint chance of getting what they wanted only to be shot down and have their dreams crushed.

Why do we do it?

Why do we willingly hurt ourselves?

I watched over 20 some odd girls frustrate themselves beyond all reason in the chase of being a Rhythm B. Some had a chance, others not so much. How much did I want to go up to those girls and say, "Please, I don't want you to get hurt. Just stop." But you don't. You watch them build their hopes up and get crushed.

It makes one think. What lesson could God possibly teach with rejection? It isn't fun. No one likes being told No, or they just aren't good enough. The "thanks for coming" ribbon is almost an embarrassment and "don't take it personally" is the ultimate in hippocratic oaths. But there is something to be learned. I have come to the realization that when God tells you no, it isn't really a no, but a "I don't want you to do that! I want you to do this over here." More often than not when we hear a no, not shortly after we find out that if we had been doing what we wanted to do we would have missed this amazing opportunity over here. It all comes back to the fact that we can't always see the bigger picture. We may think what we are looking at a picture of a beautiful tree that is our life, but what we are missing is the whole entire forest around it. I guess I would have that we may always have to deal with rejection. It may not be our fault every time, sometimes it is just the wrong place at the wrong time. Just keep trying. Prove them wrong. Look into every opportunity. Fill your life as full as possible.

And when God shuts a window, count your fingers then head towards the door.