Looking Glass

I'm a little lost when it comes to the people I have surrounded myself with.
They're so...
They just need to go away.
I'm tired of holding my tongue back because I might offend someone who offends people on a daily basis. Its true. Everyone hates you because you're an egotistical, vain, attention-whore. I know when not to act like a girl and shoot back with petty remarks, more than I can say about you. I hope someone smacks you in the face with a good dose of reality and can confidently say that it is coming soon. No one can stand to be around you they're just too polite to walk away. We all talked about you today. You left outside and everyone let lose. Did you not notice that when you walked back in how the conversation died? No, you were too busy thinking everyone loves you. (BUZZER) WRONG!! You're so insensitive and discriminating. You're jokes aren't funny, they're hurtful. There is a reason you're the only one laughing. Everyone actively tries to avoid you and talks about you the second you're gone. Its disgusting how shallow and petty you are. Insult my clothes, fine. Insult my political choices, whatever its not like its new. Insult my religion, why not? Its practically our nation's greatest pastime at this point. But when you assault my character I'm done. I loved how it was my fault when a job wasn't done. Didn't matter if it wasn't my job to begin with because apparently it's always MY fault when something goes wrong or falls apart!!! So if a job wasn't getting done why didn't you get off your royal butt and do it? Oh whats that? You're a lazy slacker? Oh sorry I forgot for a second that you might have been a decent human being. If I hear one more story about how your life has been handed to you on a gold platter lined with pixie dust and sunshine all the while you're gossiping horrible things about me behind my back I might just haul off and rip that silver spoon out of your mouth and beat you over the head with it.
I'm done.
I'm done with you and the headaches you always bring.
Now I'm sure there are others reading that at one point thought this might have been them. I wouldn't be surprised but the truth of the matter is that its not. The person this is about doesn't even know this blog exists. But to those few my only question to you is why? Did you expect it? Are you digging for a reason to hate me? Are you that into yourself that everything around you is about you? Or are you miserable and you want to make sure that everyone around you is as miserable as you?
I have noticed in the last year that the age old saying is true, Misery loves company. That's why I wrote this rant, because the last thing I want to do is make some one else feel better by putting me down and making my life a living hell. Too many times. I've had too many people that I called friends and cared about stab me in the back. Guys and girls alike. People love drama, drama makes people miserable and gives others a sense of entitlement. "Well she did this.." or "He said that.." Everyone around me says that they hate drama, but as those words are coming out of their mouth the dagger is sinking into someone else's back. I hate people who have made the lives around them so miserable that people have to censor what they do and how they talk or how they might respond because they know that if that person finds out your life becomes hell. I thought I left it all behind in High School but no. Obviously I wouldn't be writing this if it didn't. People in college are just as petty and miserable as those I left behind in High School. They live for drama and because we are all pretty much forced to see each other 24/7 it happens. Why have I gone home so many times recently? Because if I don't I'll go insane. I'm already a hermit. I only come out during short periods of time because I don't want to talk to people. I constantly hear "Jocelyn I hardly ever see you anymore!", "We haven't talked in forever!", "Where have you been? We thought you died!"
Wanna know where I've been?
Back in my old pattern I established senior year. Make myself so busy that I won't have to deal with people if it isn't in a formal setting. I bustle from classes to meetings to appointments to jobs to volunteering to programs to planning... all in the hopes that I don't have to talk to anyone. I wont go back to it, that place needs to stay away. I fought it so hard and now when I thought that I can finally move on, it comes back. I'm doing good! I should be happy! I have a great boyfriend, a wonderful family, I'm finally doing well in school and getting my body back to the way I loved it. But why am I so close to going back there? I see her. Staring back at me with that false smile that says she's okay when she really isn't. She hated herself. Didn't understand why she was constantly passed over, ignored or hated. What had she done? Was she not good enough? Was she not pretty enough? Was she too loud? Too rude? Too... too...
No. She wont cry anymore. She's strong and beautiful. She was just a swan swimming with ducks.
But that's her.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I became cross and short with my mother over nothing, I have been neglecting my relationship with my boyfriend and its tearing me up inside, I hardly ever talk anymore, I have been hurting those I love without even trying, I have made my grandfather who I love and adore think that I am angry at him and don't love him anymore, and worst of all I've neglected my walk with God. I've let petty people keep me from truly worshiping him and it hurts. I love singing praise songs and letting my voice tell God how much I love him, but that hardly happens now. I will admit I've been tested and refined but each time I still know that I'm probably going to fail at one point or another. I've grown. I can see it. But at the same time it feels that what I've gained isn't even close to what I've lost.
I was so secure in who I was and what my character is, and now its like looking into tarnished silver. I can catch glimpses of my true potential but there seems to be so much crud to get through just to be able to see it, let alone make it shine.
I know I'm not perfect. I'm anything but. Still. I only hope that this doubt will go away and I can truly shine for him.
I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of holding back. I'm tired of sitting and watching. I'm tired of watching people ruin other peoples lives.
But I have to remember that I can't save the world. That's not my job. I'm not a super hero despite what quizzes might say. I'm just a person in need of forgiveness and touched by grace.
I may not be a super hero, but at least I know one.