Spokane

Have you ever heard of those little towns that never change no matter how long it has been since you last saw it? Everyone still knows everyone, people live in the same houses they have lived in for years, and landscapes and skylines never change. Well Spokane is one of those towns. Nothing has changed. The town, the people, even my old house hasn't really changed.
But at the same time it has subtly changed. The kitchen has new appliances and the floors are new. Yes the original curtains that my mom put up are still there, but rooms have been painted. In the same way Spokane itself has changed. People are subtly different. Friends that I knew better than the back of my hand have changed and I rarly recognise them. People have grown and changed and still others haven't changed at all. I've been elated and disappointed all at the same time.
But most of all I'm sad.
I guess without realising it that I had always left a special place in the back of my mind that had convinced me that I had never moved. That life in Oregon was just a long vacation and that I would eventually come back and slip back into the life I had.
Its sad when dreams die.
My life that I had isn't here anymore. The people I loved aren't here anymore. Sure they are physically here but not in the way I remember them and in some cases I wish they were better off gone. I'm definatly disappointed in some people. I will never tell them or go beyond saying anything past this, "I miss you and hopefully one day you will come back."
But on the other side of the pillow I am so proud of some people.
Scott, I have never been so proud of you in my life. You have grown up so much. I mean it when I say I'm proud of you and I love you. You have matured so much even in just the year it has been since we have seen each other. You're my best friend. It has always been the 3 of us hasn't it? You, Tammy and I. And everything is finally clicking back together. I'm so glad. And I totally expect to be standing next to you through more things in life.
I guess the one thing I haven't faced is how much I have changed. I wonder what these same people I am talking about think of me. Are they disappointed? Do they think that I have grown as much as I have seen others? Or deep down am I still stuck in the perfect memory of Spokane that I had created for my self? Who knows?
All I know is this. I think I am finally finding closure on my life in Spokane. Old crushes are dying, frendships are either ending or getting stronger, and in the end I am banishing the picture I left behind. Both in myself and out. I am no longer a young girl of 14 with her first love, working at Riverview and hanging with an amazing group of friends. I'm now less than a month from being 19, I have friends that are either new or old but will last a lifetime, and I am now working at college instead of a camp. But somethings will never change. I will always look for the feeling I felt that spring in 2004. I'm still looking for another great love. I'm still looking for amazing friends and I'm still looking for my future. But one can't find their future if they are held back by their past. So I go to this wedding tomorrow to close a door behind me as I walk into the world of my future.