Have you ever heard of those little towns that never change no matter how long it has been since you last saw it? Everyone still knows everyone, people live in the same houses they have lived in for years, and landscapes and skylines never change. Well Spokane is one of those towns. Nothing has changed. The town, the people, even my old house hasn't really changed.
But at the same time it has subtly changed. The kitchen has new appliances and the floors are new. Yes the original curtains that my mom put up are still there, but rooms have been painted. In the same way Spokane itself has changed. People are subtly different. Friends that I knew better than the back of my hand have changed and I rarly recognise them. People have grown and changed and still others haven't changed at all. I've been elated and disappointed all at the same time.
But most of all I'm sad.
I guess without realising it that I had always left a special place in the back of my mind that had convinced me that I had never moved. That life in Oregon was just a long vacation and that I would eventually come back and slip back into the life I had.
Its sad when dreams die.
My life that I had isn't here anymore. The people I loved aren't here anymore. Sure they are physically here but not in the way I remember them and in some cases I wish they were better off gone. I'm definatly disappointed in some people. I will never tell them or go beyond saying anything past this, "I miss you and hopefully one day you will come back."
But on the other side of the pillow I am so proud of some people.
Scott, I have never been so proud of you in my life. You have grown up so much. I mean it when I say I'm proud of you and I love you. You have matured so much even in just the year it has been since we have seen each other. You're my best friend. It has always been the 3 of us hasn't it? You, Tammy and I. And everything is finally clicking back together. I'm so glad. And I totally expect to be standing next to you through more things in life.
I guess the one thing I haven't faced is how much I have changed. I wonder what these same people I am talking about think of me. Are they disappointed? Do they think that I have grown as much as I have seen others? Or deep down am I still stuck in the perfect memory of Spokane that I had created for my self? Who knows?
All I know is this. I think I am finally finding closure on my life in Spokane. Old crushes are dying, frendships are either ending or getting stronger, and in the end I am banishing the picture I left behind. Both in myself and out. I am no longer a young girl of 14 with her first love, working at Riverview and hanging with an amazing group of friends. I'm now less than a month from being 19, I have friends that are either new or old but will last a lifetime, and I am now working at college instead of a camp. But somethings will never change. I will always look for the feeling I felt that spring in 2004. I'm still looking for another great love. I'm still looking for amazing friends and I'm still looking for my future. But one can't find their future if they are held back by their past. So I go to this wedding tomorrow to close a door behind me as I walk into the world of my future.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Sigh
"Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise."-Proverbs 19:20
It is frustrating when you try to teach someone and they don't want to listen. Teaching a class full of college students should be easy right? They're college students! They should be well mannered and easy to teach right? But nooo. Any class, especially a PE reverts a person back to how they acted in Middle school. You'd think that they know how to act and when they don't you try to remind them. But you can't lead a horse to water and make it drink. It really comes down to if the other person is willing to listen or not. Which is hard because when you stick a ball in front of a guys face, he tends to stop listening. You could try to teaching them skills that come straight from God's mouth, but if they are off in their own little world then there is nothing you can do. Except for maybe take the ball away....
Still it feels really crappy when you try to teach them something and because they aren't listening you feel like a failure. It is almost enough to make one want to quit. But one just has to pray and trust God that in the end it will all work out.
I guess this is a good lesson though. If I really want to be a teacher, especially one in Health and P.E. then I'll have to get use to not being able to help everyone. I can't save the world. There will be people that won't want my help or are off in their own little world. There will be girls that even if I fail them will never dress down or actually participate. There will be kids that are forced to take my class and will actively hate me, some are even going to say it to my face. But I have to remind myself that the love that I have for these kids is like the love God has for me, unconditional. I will always do what I can for these kids whether they want me to or not. Even if it is like a tide washing up against a giant cliff. A steady stream of love will continually wear down it's resistance. So I may not be the final crash that saves these kids, but I am part of the solution. I just have to do all I can, even if they don't want to listen. If I can just give them the knowledge I have learned and give them the tools they need to save them from harm later in life, then that is all I can ask for.
God will do the rest.
It is frustrating when you try to teach someone and they don't want to listen. Teaching a class full of college students should be easy right? They're college students! They should be well mannered and easy to teach right? But nooo. Any class, especially a PE reverts a person back to how they acted in Middle school. You'd think that they know how to act and when they don't you try to remind them. But you can't lead a horse to water and make it drink. It really comes down to if the other person is willing to listen or not. Which is hard because when you stick a ball in front of a guys face, he tends to stop listening. You could try to teaching them skills that come straight from God's mouth, but if they are off in their own little world then there is nothing you can do. Except for maybe take the ball away....
Still it feels really crappy when you try to teach them something and because they aren't listening you feel like a failure. It is almost enough to make one want to quit. But one just has to pray and trust God that in the end it will all work out.
I guess this is a good lesson though. If I really want to be a teacher, especially one in Health and P.E. then I'll have to get use to not being able to help everyone. I can't save the world. There will be people that won't want my help or are off in their own little world. There will be girls that even if I fail them will never dress down or actually participate. There will be kids that are forced to take my class and will actively hate me, some are even going to say it to my face. But I have to remind myself that the love that I have for these kids is like the love God has for me, unconditional. I will always do what I can for these kids whether they want me to or not. Even if it is like a tide washing up against a giant cliff. A steady stream of love will continually wear down it's resistance. So I may not be the final crash that saves these kids, but I am part of the solution. I just have to do all I can, even if they don't want to listen. If I can just give them the knowledge I have learned and give them the tools they need to save them from harm later in life, then that is all I can ask for.
God will do the rest.
Monday, May 19, 2008
107!! Its a Hundred-friekin'-Seven!!! ~Allister Jones
Fun times at the lakes with the buds, just trying to beat the ridiculous heat. Here is one of Flounder and Maracas, (Sydney and Myself as we have been dubbed) wading in the waters of Emmigrant Lake. 2 days at the lake... In a row... yeah... I really need to do my homework now.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Shiver me timbers please!
Its wonderful to watch a Camelot where the Lancelot is smokin', Guinevere is not a wilting flower, and Mordred is a punk rocker wimp.
Ah Glorious.
So if you can't tell I just finished watching Camelot live in the Lincoln Center with the New York Philharmonic.
Ahhhhh.... Lerner and Loewe are Geniuses!!
Brigadoon, Camelot, Paint Your Wagon, and My Fair Lady?
If they were both still alive I might just have to kiss them and thank them for their gift to the world.
OH yes.
Now I go off to hear Heath Ledger say my name with passion and watch silly boys play with horses and sticks.
It's a laaance! Heellloooo!
Ah Glorious.
So if you can't tell I just finished watching Camelot live in the Lincoln Center with the New York Philharmonic.
Ahhhhh.... Lerner and Loewe are Geniuses!!
Brigadoon, Camelot, Paint Your Wagon, and My Fair Lady?
If they were both still alive I might just have to kiss them and thank them for their gift to the world.
OH yes.
Now I go off to hear Heath Ledger say my name with passion and watch silly boys play with horses and sticks.
It's a laaance! Heellloooo!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Lee-der-ship (n.)
"Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it." ~Dwight D. Eisenhower
So this question hasn't been able to leave my mind for the last week and apparently on the minds of others too. Everyone I talk to lately seems to be questioning the qualities needed to be a leader. Be it when you are talking about who you think will be a better president or talking about how you did in your interview for Resident staff next year. It just dominates my mind. Between RA training, RA interviews, Student Council, Job Interviews, Group Projects and School, its become rather ridiculous. I have started chiseling out a standard cookie cutter response that I know will look good on a resume or interview sheet and can spit it out without thinking.
Interviewers ask: How do you make a good leader?
"Being balanced. Knowing when to care and when to push. When to stretch and when to compromise. Knowing how to support but at the same time know when to drive those around you. Knowing when to step up or when to step back, even if it is hard."
But do I really believe it?
I was talking to our Dorm Daddy Rich Kane the other day when I brought this question to him and he told me something that I will try to keep with me for as long as I can.
He told me that the only good leaders are the ones that people don't realise that they are being lead by. A true leader is not afraid to step back and let others shine and bring out the best in the people around them.
And its true!! How many times did you work in a fabulous group where everyone worked really hard and did they're best? Did it seem like everyone was the leader yet at the same time no one was? We've all had projects or situations like this. But if you think harder about it there was someone asking questions or throwing out ideas or just encouraging people, right? They were true leaders. Not every leader needs to take charge and fearlessly lead their troops into a glorious death or battle, while those are still great leaders it may not be right for every situation. While it is effective, don't get me wrong, I have had it back fire on me more times than not. Sometimes people just don't want a dictatorship or even a hierarchy. I mean that's how our country as created right? England thought that if they kept a strong fist with it's colonies that everything would return back to normal, but we all know how that turned out.
I've been playing a new game I found called Europa Universalis III. In this game you step into the lives of famous rulers and try to keep your country alive. Its hard. You can't survive without your board of advisers. So even great rulers need support and each one of those great men had anywhere from one to twenty other men and women supporting them, each one of them a leader in their own right. I've learned that there are so many different kinds of leadership out there. Leading can be everything from assigning tasks, to giving complements, to even just suggesting someone use their strengths to make the situation better.
In a way everyone is their own kind of leader in their fashion. Some may be subtle, others in your face. Some may have been leaders all their lives and we only remember them for their great moments.
We all know the Shakespeare phrase, "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them." Well, I don't agree. I believe that everyone has greatness inside them and use it everyday, we just tend to remember the really epic moments of greatness.
So I guess I think that next time someone makes you feel better when you're down or gives you a compliment, thank them for being an everyday leader.
Now all I have to do count down the moments till I get that letter Friday that tells me whether or not they think that I am they type of leader they need for Resident Staff next year.
Wish Me luck!!!
So this question hasn't been able to leave my mind for the last week and apparently on the minds of others too. Everyone I talk to lately seems to be questioning the qualities needed to be a leader. Be it when you are talking about who you think will be a better president or talking about how you did in your interview for Resident staff next year. It just dominates my mind. Between RA training, RA interviews, Student Council, Job Interviews, Group Projects and School, its become rather ridiculous. I have started chiseling out a standard cookie cutter response that I know will look good on a resume or interview sheet and can spit it out without thinking.
Interviewers ask: How do you make a good leader?
"Being balanced. Knowing when to care and when to push. When to stretch and when to compromise. Knowing how to support but at the same time know when to drive those around you. Knowing when to step up or when to step back, even if it is hard."
But do I really believe it?
I was talking to our Dorm Daddy Rich Kane the other day when I brought this question to him and he told me something that I will try to keep with me for as long as I can.
He told me that the only good leaders are the ones that people don't realise that they are being lead by. A true leader is not afraid to step back and let others shine and bring out the best in the people around them.
And its true!! How many times did you work in a fabulous group where everyone worked really hard and did they're best? Did it seem like everyone was the leader yet at the same time no one was? We've all had projects or situations like this. But if you think harder about it there was someone asking questions or throwing out ideas or just encouraging people, right? They were true leaders. Not every leader needs to take charge and fearlessly lead their troops into a glorious death or battle, while those are still great leaders it may not be right for every situation. While it is effective, don't get me wrong, I have had it back fire on me more times than not. Sometimes people just don't want a dictatorship or even a hierarchy. I mean that's how our country as created right? England thought that if they kept a strong fist with it's colonies that everything would return back to normal, but we all know how that turned out.
I've been playing a new game I found called Europa Universalis III. In this game you step into the lives of famous rulers and try to keep your country alive. Its hard. You can't survive without your board of advisers. So even great rulers need support and each one of those great men had anywhere from one to twenty other men and women supporting them, each one of them a leader in their own right. I've learned that there are so many different kinds of leadership out there. Leading can be everything from assigning tasks, to giving complements, to even just suggesting someone use their strengths to make the situation better.
In a way everyone is their own kind of leader in their fashion. Some may be subtle, others in your face. Some may have been leaders all their lives and we only remember them for their great moments.
We all know the Shakespeare phrase, "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them." Well, I don't agree. I believe that everyone has greatness inside them and use it everyday, we just tend to remember the really epic moments of greatness.
So I guess I think that next time someone makes you feel better when you're down or gives you a compliment, thank them for being an everyday leader.
Now all I have to do count down the moments till I get that letter Friday that tells me whether or not they think that I am they type of leader they need for Resident Staff next year.
Wish Me luck!!!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Fairy Tales and Nonsense
I was going through old novels of mine for a book club and found a poem that I had written after reading a particularly sappy romance fairy tale sometime senior year. I had shoved it in the novel near the back cover. I couldn't remember what the story was about or why I had written the poem, so I sat down in the middle of my dorm room and started reading it again. Then I remembered why I had written the poem a couple hours later when I finished the book again.
The story was about this princess who was in an arranged marriage with a man she hardly knew but had known about since child hood. She had loved him from afar but she was unsure if he felt the same. So in order to test him and if he truly loved her she ran off and left behind clues. The final lines in the note she left behind was two words, "Catch me." Of course the hopeless romantic in me loved the story. She guided him and let him know her true heart at the same time getting to know his and falling in love in new ways then she had before. They almost lost each other due to doubts and uncertainty but in the end he finally found her. And I remember being so inspired that I wrote my own cryptic note for someone someday to read and had stuck in the back of this novel, forgetting about it until almost a year later.
*I apologise for the lame attempt at poetry, and excuse me if there isn't any thing "poetic" about it. English was never my strong suit and we tend have a love/hate relationship with each other. But here is the poem.
Catch Me
Fight me
Fight with me
Fight for me
Challenge me
Stretch me
Pull me
Shape me
Chase me
Tame me
Catch me
Push me
Top me
Be stronger than me
Out-man me
Cherish me
Protect me
Stand up for me
Respect me
Care for me
Care with me
Catch Me
Duel for me
Duel with me
Joust for me
Joust with me
Rescue me
Save me
Know me
Like me
Love me
Catch me
Be the man I need you to be
If you don't you may just loose me.
Are you going to catch me?
Is no one going to catch me?
I thought that you were the one,
but here I am without someone.
Alone and lost without out a guide,
with no one standing by my side.
Catch Me, that's what I told you,
but you have seem to have fallen through;
the cracks inside my heart are deep,
filled with only these tears I weep.
All alone is where I stand,
on the shifting hills of sand,
Time itself will not stand by,
and soon my love will slowly die.
If only my dream could be real,
to hold you close and really feel.
Before I loose myself too much,
bring me back with your touch.
In this darkened room I stand,
thinking that you hold my hand.
This feeling on my senses play,
hearing words that you can't say.
I'm standing on Love's final edge,
balancing on that ragged ledge.
But then I feel hands about my waist,
saving me from Death's greedy taste.
I feel your body next to mine,
touches sparking down my spine.
You put your mouth next to my ear,
and say the words I need to hear,
Fight me
Fight with me
Fight for me
Challenge me
Stretch me
Pull me
Shape me
Chase me
Tame me
Catch me
Push me
Top me
Be stronger than me
Out-man me
Cherish me
Protect me
Stand up for me
Respect me
Care for me
Care with me
Catch Me
Duel for me
Duel with me
Joust for me
Joust with me
Rescue me
Save me
Know me
Like me
Love me
Catch me
Be the man I need you to be
If you don't you may just loose me.
Are you going to catch me?
Is no one going to catch me?
I thought that you were the one,
but here I am without someone.
Alone and lost without out a guide,
with no one standing by my side.
Catch Me, that's what I told you,
but you have seem to have fallen through;
the cracks inside my heart are deep,
filled with only these tears I weep.
All alone is where I stand,
on the shifting hills of sand,
Time itself will not stand by,
and soon my love will slowly die.
If only my dream could be real,
to hold you close and really feel.
Before I loose myself too much,
bring me back with your touch.
In this darkened room I stand,
thinking that you hold my hand.
This feeling on my senses play,
hearing words that you can't say.
I'm standing on Love's final edge,
balancing on that ragged ledge.
But then I feel hands about my waist,
saving me from Death's greedy taste.
I feel your body next to mine,
touches sparking down my spine.
You put your mouth next to my ear,
and say the words I need to hear,
"I caught you"
So yeah. Tonight has been all about fairy tales, knights and heroes to me, So I thought I'd share that because not only did it inspired me, but touched me later when I found it again. I hope that maybe it might have touched you too.
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