YOU!

I AM SO DONE WITH YOU!!
I am not your mother, your babysitter, your easy A, your lifesaver, your restart button, your punching bag, your trash can, your conscious or your soul.
I'm tired of having to stifle who I am around you because I might offend the Diva. I'm tired of having to sooth your busted ego because people pick on you. I mean come on! You flaunt that you are a large homosexual German and then get hurt when people make fun of you. Yes some of the things that have happened are wrong. Drawing Nazi symbols on your door was wrong, but putting a German song on the door in a dorm full of drunken freshman wasn't exactly smart either. You don't want to get hurt then don't put yourself out there like that!
On top of that you act like you're the only one that is ever picked on! WHICH IS RIDICULOUS!!! If I even put together half the things you say to me on a daily basis I could have you charged for sexual and mental harassment and abuse. I am your punching bag. Lets make fun of the Virgin, Lets make fun of the Christian, Lets make fun of the Republican, Lets make fun of the Female, Lets make fun of Women's rights, Lets make fun of the Single Person, Lets Provoke her with Gay Situations, Lets remind her that I have just as many rights for living in sin as she does, but apologise saying No Offense like its the cover all band aid for what you are saying...
The List Goes On....
This week alone you have skipped all of the classes we have together and I had to give you my notes because I didn't want the DSSL students who gets those notes to suffer because of your lazy butt. On top of that you are getting paid for MY NOTES!!! A paycheck for a class you didn't go to, material you didn't learn, and the man hours you didn't put in.
Then, when I invite you to study with me for a really important test in that class you haven't gone to in a month, you show up with no materials, no book, no note cards, NOTHING!! and then proceed to steal MY precious time and materials trying to spoon feed you this class. I could have been SO MUCH more productive if you just weren't there. Then I had to drag your butt to the test because you were going to take the cheaters way out and write the professor that you were sick and need to take it at a later date. THAT'S LYING AND YOU DESERVE THE F!!!! One good thing is that I apparently mastered the guilt trip and got you to go to the test instead of cheating.
For when you do actually show up for class you say, "Lets sit together!" and then put me way in the back where I can barely hear and try to talk to me the whole time. I'm not a mean person, so I don't like saying no, BUT NO MORE!! Here it is HELL NO!!
It is not my responsibility to remind you that we have a final tomorrow. Its not my responsibility to remind you that staff shouldn't get drunk or stoned. You are such a hypocrite when it comes to that, honestly. This time last year you couldn't get of the Bash the _____ Train because she constantly showed up drunk or stoned. You sir! Are No Better.
Even worse is that everyone assumes that I am supposed to take care of you and are responsible for your actions!! My Boss today called me into his office in front of other staff members and demanded me to stop you from doing something that was against the rules and quite honestly annoying and juvenile. Or tonight when you were off campus getting stoned out of your mind, everyone assumed I was going to go drag you out of a house that I had no clue where it was, in the fog at 1 in the morning and have to deal with someone that I gave up dealing with in High School and still violently dislike. All because you didn't know that there was a final tomorrow and were too stoned out of your mind to tell people that you were taking the one on Tuesday.
This is the last straw.
Our friendship is not healthy to me anymore.
You drain my physically.
You drain me mentally.
You drain me emotionally.
People attack me when I don't take your side.
I do all this crap for you and never get a thanks.
I had a good friend try to fight me because I tried venting some frustrations on why I am tired and she started attacking me.
All I said was that I was tired of being your Mom and she started attacking me. I didn't even get the chance to explain why I said that.
All I got was a, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE HAS GONE THROUGH TONIGHT!!"
Let me guess.
He went off campus to the house of the girlfriend of a guy who he has been having drama with for her birthday. Everyone around him was getting stoned and drunk. He was getting either stoned or drunk, I really don't care. The Social Lubricant took hold and people started saying things. Bitchy people came out with claws swinging and his "fragile" ego couldn't take it when people told Him to his face that they didn't like him. He tried to do damaged control as she-witch attacked drama boy. Probably broke up with him, which honestly is good for him because he really only was an extension of her arm at this point. So Drama Boy took it out on him because he knows how to hit all of the right buttons. Now he's upset because he wasn't smart enough to say no and not put himself in this stupid position in the first place.
Here is my real beef. I AM TIRED OF YOU COASTING THROUGH LIFE AND GETTING EVERYTHING YOU WANT!!
I'm tired of you getting away with not doing anything! Part of me is glad that you probably failed that test! It's an evil part of me to delight in your misfortune but at the same time I won't deny that its there. You should have justice catch up with you! I'm done covering for you. I'm done making sure you don't fail. I'm going to let you drop the vase and watch it shatter to a thousand pieces and I'm not going to help you pick up the pieces. You need to learn from your own stupid mistakes.
I'm.
Not.
Your.
MOM!

Tired of Prop 8

I had a friend try to show me a video of an MSNBC news cast where a reporter voiced his opinions on Prop 8 and the backlash that has followed it in the recent month. He tried to convey that it wasn’t an issue of marriage but an issue of denying happiness and love between two human beings. She tried to tell me that this was the core of the issue surrounding Prop 8 and why people reacted to a recent note I had written. But I wanted to tell her that it is not an issue of not knowing the other side of the issue or not coming at it from another prospective. I watched this clip when it had originally aired and my opinion still stands. I wanted to tell her that I will never agree on this issue, for so many other reasons than the one I poorly wrote out in that note. I don't agree with gay marriage, I don't support the homosexual lifestyle, and I use my rights as an American to free speech and the right to vote to show my beliefs. That’s it plain and simple. So people can show me videos, quote speeches, throw things at me, whatever. But I won’t change what I feel about this issue. I’m not ignorant and don’t know what I am talking about. I like to try to be as informed as I can be before I take a stance on an issue and this is no different. But part of why I am writing this note is that a ton of people told me that I was uninformed and didn’t know the whole story and the other side of the issue. But it is a two way street. People are trying to force me to see the other side of the issue without understand my own side. Very few of the people who did this to me, I believe, could not honestly tell me the reasons I believed what I believed correctly without resorting to cruel and harsh stereotypes that attack my religion. But, alas, because of our society and the type of people who I interact with on and around this issue I couldn't say that. So in order to have a piece of mind I will write it here.
The real heart of this issue is Religion vs. Lifestyles. This issue will never be fully resolved. It is just that. I know that I will always fight for propositions like Prop 8 because I believe that it is morally wrong and goes against the beliefs that are the core of my human being. I am slightly offended by this man on the news cast taking my religion completely out of context. It’s not that I don’t love people who call themselves homosexuals and want to sanctify their relationships or that I hate them without even knowing their faces. I want people to find happiness. I’m not this evil being that demands that everyone in the world should suffer. I see it day to day that this world is a horrible and evil place and part of it is due to what society has allowed people to do. I mourn the world and the horrible things that occur in it every day. But, and I’m sorry if I offend someone when I say this, but this is the problem for me. I am being asked to support an issue that I not only think is a sin and morally wrong, but diminishes an act that to me is the ultimate act that I can perform in this lifetime. An act that I would defend until the end of time and that is what I am doing.
I’m just going to say it. I don’t believe that homosexuality is anything but a choice that a person makes, plain and simple. Oh yes, now people will be offended, but that’s it. I do not believe these claims “That it is how I’m made”, and “I don’t chose to be this.” No. You were not physically made to love someone of the same gender. If you were then why do need a man and a woman in order to procreate? A woman and a woman cannot and a man and a man cannot.
Yes, my religion says that in the beginning God made a woman and a man and they were told to love each other and multiply. Yes, it says that marriage is only between a man and a woman and it is at the core of my religion. So obviously this is really important to me. There are over 500 references in both the new and old testaments that involve the phrases “marriage”, “husband” and “wife”. To me, we see the first wedding in the very first book of the Bible, right at the beginning and heart of my beliefs. To me marriage is God's idea, designed and instituted by the Creator, and the heart of God's design for marriage is companionship and intimacy between a man and a woman. It was Adam and Eve in the beginning, not Adam and Steve or Eve and Amanda.
Now I say this all in order for people to understand where I stand on this issue and why I vote the way I do. But know this. I do not agree with people who call themselves Christians and discriminate and act violently towards people who call themselves different. They aren’t Christians. They are people who have chosen a banner that has nothing to do with the actions that they are performing. Those people disgust me and for them to call themselves Christians angers me to the point where I almost give up and don’t tell people I am a Christian because I do not want to be associated with those people. They aren’t Christians and sometimes I even wonder if they are people. What they do are horrible and quite frankly are against the very religion that they claim to be acting under. I do not believe in homosexuality but I will love and call them my friends because that it what it truly means to be a Christian.
Excuses me while I get a little preachy but in order to feel like you truly understand how I think and for you to be truly informed on both sides of the issue I have to get a little biblical. Jesus came down to earth and what did he do? Did he lead a witch hunt to kill all of the sinners? Did he violently hate and openly abuse those who he believed were committing acts that were wrong? Did he sit in his high tower next to the “religious leaders” of the day and condemn and persecute those that were believed to be heathens and dark spots on society? NO! He spent all of his days among those people. He spent his day with the lepers, prostitutes, thieves, murderers, tax collectors, lawyers and the very people that the others were condemning. He went out of his way to love those people that the very people who were claiming to act in his name were attacking and hurting. BUT! He also let them know that he believed what they were doing was wrong AND he loved them anyways. So that is what I strive to do and be. I strive to love everyone unconditionally and be who I am and what I believe at the same time.
I have more than one friend that is of the homosexual persuasion and you can ask them, I don’t approve of what they are doing but I love them just the same. I won’t try to bash your head in with a Bible, I will hug you, tell you I love you but don’t agree with you and we’ll move on. I won’t stick a scarlet letter on your chest and kick you out of the village. If anything I’ll save you a place next to me in the pew always, even if you don’t come.
But I have severally rabbit trailed. The real thing is that it is against my very being to support and vote yes on things supporting homosexuality and marriage. It is and always will be. I will love you, hold your hand and be a shoulder for you to lean on but you will know that I don’t approve. Just like you will always vote for it because you believe that it is right and a matter of happiness and love. Sadly, I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel and don’t plan on being there to see the end.

*Insert Politically Correct Term Here*

“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but you are not of the world, because I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours.
—John 15:18-20

I read this verse today and it really struck home with me. So many times last year I had people look or act strangely around me. I was treated like I was an alien or a monster by some, others treated me like the snitch and everything I do is for the soul purpose of getting them into trouble. It wasn't really surprising. None of this behavior really came out until they heard I was a christian. I could be totally cool with them but the second they heard I was a christian they would flip a switch and their whole demeanor would change.
Its funny really. Society is all about the politically correct (or socially sensitive as it is now being called) and the destruction of stereotypes. Why its even a whole presidential campaign. But here is the thing. Its all lip service, especially when it comes to Christan's. Its in our comedy, our music, our television, our news... everywhere. I was watching last comic standing the other night and saw a particularly funny sketch about bombers from WWII. Of course the judges absolutely hated it because the one making the joke was a white man. They scolded him so bad about racial insensitivity and that America today didn't stand for that. Immediately following this man was a Korean woman who's whole act was a string of racial slurs about herself and her people. She was just as bad if not infinitely worse than the man before her. But the judges praised her, basically saying that it was okay to make fun of your own people. This infuriated me because an underlying message was also said just not verbally. That message was that everyone is allowed to make fun of themselves and others like them except a certain group of people, in this case a white comedian. Now I'm not doing this as a poor white girl but to make a point. This mentality heavily affects us as Christians. If we even try to make fun of ourselves we are scolded for not truly believing in God and being a poser christian. But everyone else is allowed to make fun of us. Oh God forbid (and I do intend it as irony) but God forbid that we make fun of other religions. If we make fun of Jews, we're antisemitic. If we make fun of Muslims, they start a holy war. If we make fun of African Americans, Hispanics, Asians or any other nationality, we're racists. But who is open game no matter what? Whites, Rednecks and Christians. I only say whites and rednecks because more often than not the stereotype that they are christian and it makes it okay. Now i'm not bashing on the other races, religions or nationalities. I'm just pointing out a supreme injustice that happens to affect me.
Everyone wants to be equal, everyone wants change. How about we change ourselves before we go trying to change other people? Let us focus on ourselves and stop trying to tell other people what they can or can't do, what they can or can't say and think. Lets just worry about what our own minds and mouths are saying, for those are the most dangerous really.

Wow.

I'm 19.
I have great friends.
My Family is awesome.
I get a day off of work tomorrow.
I got more than I wanted for my birthday.
I've gotten to see friends that I haven't seen in like forever.
I've gotten to really know some new ones quite well.
Did I mention I was 19?!?

Spokane

Have you ever heard of those little towns that never change no matter how long it has been since you last saw it? Everyone still knows everyone, people live in the same houses they have lived in for years, and landscapes and skylines never change. Well Spokane is one of those towns. Nothing has changed. The town, the people, even my old house hasn't really changed.
But at the same time it has subtly changed. The kitchen has new appliances and the floors are new. Yes the original curtains that my mom put up are still there, but rooms have been painted. In the same way Spokane itself has changed. People are subtly different. Friends that I knew better than the back of my hand have changed and I rarly recognise them. People have grown and changed and still others haven't changed at all. I've been elated and disappointed all at the same time.
But most of all I'm sad.
I guess without realising it that I had always left a special place in the back of my mind that had convinced me that I had never moved. That life in Oregon was just a long vacation and that I would eventually come back and slip back into the life I had.
Its sad when dreams die.
My life that I had isn't here anymore. The people I loved aren't here anymore. Sure they are physically here but not in the way I remember them and in some cases I wish they were better off gone. I'm definatly disappointed in some people. I will never tell them or go beyond saying anything past this, "I miss you and hopefully one day you will come back."
But on the other side of the pillow I am so proud of some people.
Scott, I have never been so proud of you in my life. You have grown up so much. I mean it when I say I'm proud of you and I love you. You have matured so much even in just the year it has been since we have seen each other. You're my best friend. It has always been the 3 of us hasn't it? You, Tammy and I. And everything is finally clicking back together. I'm so glad. And I totally expect to be standing next to you through more things in life.
I guess the one thing I haven't faced is how much I have changed. I wonder what these same people I am talking about think of me. Are they disappointed? Do they think that I have grown as much as I have seen others? Or deep down am I still stuck in the perfect memory of Spokane that I had created for my self? Who knows?
All I know is this. I think I am finally finding closure on my life in Spokane. Old crushes are dying, frendships are either ending or getting stronger, and in the end I am banishing the picture I left behind. Both in myself and out. I am no longer a young girl of 14 with her first love, working at Riverview and hanging with an amazing group of friends. I'm now less than a month from being 19, I have friends that are either new or old but will last a lifetime, and I am now working at college instead of a camp. But somethings will never change. I will always look for the feeling I felt that spring in 2004. I'm still looking for another great love. I'm still looking for amazing friends and I'm still looking for my future. But one can't find their future if they are held back by their past. So I go to this wedding tomorrow to close a door behind me as I walk into the world of my future.

Sigh

"Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise."-Proverbs 19:20

It is frustrating when you try to teach someone and they don't want to listen. Teaching a class full of college students should be easy right? They're college students! They should be well mannered and easy to teach right? But nooo. Any class, especially a PE reverts a person back to how they acted in Middle school. You'd think that they know how to act and when they don't you try to remind them. But you can't lead a horse to water and make it drink. It really comes down to if the other person is willing to listen or not. Which is hard because when you stick a ball in front of a guys face, he tends to stop listening. You could try to teaching them skills that come straight from God's mouth, but if they are off in their own little world then there is nothing you can do. Except for maybe take the ball away....
Still it feels really crappy when you try to teach them something and because they aren't listening you feel like a failure. It is almost enough to make one want to quit. But one just has to pray and trust God that in the end it will all work out.
I guess this is a good lesson though. If I really want to be a teacher, especially one in Health and P.E. then I'll have to get use to not being able to help everyone. I can't save the world. There will be people that won't want my help or are off in their own little world. There will be girls that even if I fail them will never dress down or actually participate. There will be kids that are forced to take my class and will actively hate me, some are even going to say it to my face. But I have to remind myself that the love that I have for these kids is like the love God has for me, unconditional. I will always do what I can for these kids whether they want me to or not. Even if it is like a tide washing up against a giant cliff. A steady stream of love will continually wear down it's resistance. So I may not be the final crash that saves these kids, but I am part of the solution. I just have to do all I can, even if they don't want to listen. If I can just give them the knowledge I have learned and give them the tools they need to save them from harm later in life, then that is all I can ask for.
God will do the rest.

107!! Its a Hundred-friekin'-Seven!!! ~Allister Jones

Fun times at the lakes with the buds, just trying to beat the ridiculous heat. Here is one of Flounder and Maracas, (Sydney and Myself as we have been dubbed) wading in the waters of Emmigrant Lake. 2 days at the lake... In a row... yeah... I really need to do my homework now.