Letter to my Ex

Please stop.
I don't what I did to you to deserve this kind of treatment. I don't care that you apparently lied about wanting to date me. I don't care that you made me believe that you cared for me. I don't care that you lied about why we were breaking up and are dating again now. I don't care about her and how in a week she has been treated more like your girlfriend than I ever was in the almost 2 months we dated.
What I do care about is that you feel that it is alright to brag about what we did behind closed doors to my friends and maybe strangers. I constantly felt pressured in our relationship to do things I didn't want to do. You constantly went too far and made me feel uncomfortable. Oh sure, when I called you on it you pumped the breaks, but that never really stopped you from trying to see how far you could push me before I balked did it? That was wrong of you.
I should have left you then but I was constantly blaming it on me, excusing it away as that being a normal thing girlfriends, even virginal ones, did. So yes, I let you take a lot of my firsts, but no one should know that.
What you are doing now is despicable. I don't know why you hate me so to try to slut shame me now. I did what you asked by not spreading your families business around, by not broadcasting you dumped me in the most humiliating way possible by lying, even told off my friends who tried defending me by expressing their displeasure at our parting. You probably didnt know that, that every person who said that they snubbed you I begged them to not, that they had no idea what you were going through and that it wasnt fair to you. Now I wish that I had let them because that is exactly what you are doing to me.
I am sitting here at 3 am in my bed equal parts mortified and terrified.
Embarrassed that you feel it's alright to lie, say it was all my idea, that I initiated everything, that I pushed for everything sexual that happened, that I forced you to take things this far, that you felt trapped and that you don't want to hurt my feelings but had to tell someone. That what I did, in what was supposed to be a committed relationship based on trust and respect, is now ample fodder for gossip and malicious conversation.
Terrified that you will tell too many people, important people and destroy my reputation. That you will destroy me in a way only a man can. A barbaric and dishonorable way to strip me of all dignity and respect in the eyes of my peers. To humiliate me because you know how much I value my privacy. That I am an intensely private person who does not revel in public displays of affection or bragging about conquests.
Once again ironic considering it was you who bragged and boasted about me, made our relationship public and forced me into the spot light. People I barely knew, even on 2 occasions complete strangers, were told about you dating me and how happy you were. How you felt you didn't deserve me and how excited you were to date me.
There is a silver lining though.
My friends.
Each and every one you seem to have tried to poison against me have instead rallied to my side in my defense. They are appalled at your actions. Do you know what is being said about you? That you're a liar, a sociopath, despicable, a dick, a cad, disgusting, immature, cowardly, juvenile, vindictive, untrustworthy, whorish, malicious and more.
You are literally digging your own social grave.
The truth always comes out and people don't take kindly to liars.
The irony of the situation? If you had just told me you were unhappy and that you wanted to see other people I would have agreed. We would have parted friends. All of this heartache, which you claim you want to spare causing me, could have been avoided. If we had had a conversation like adults none of this would be happening now.
So I'm torn.
Do I confront you on how you are treating me to try and stop the behavior before it spreads to far?
Or do I trust on my friends and reputation that no one takes you seriously and you hang yourself with your own rope before you do anything too damaging?
I am going to do the one thing that will probably piss you off the most instead.
I am going to pray.
I am going to turn to the one man who has always cared for me and never let me down. The one that I know has my best interest at heart. And do you know what I am going to ask for?
Your pain to go away.
I can see it clearly now. Your family is falling apart. You have shouldered the burdens no one asked you to take. You feel like you have been denied your dream of the Marines to try and salvage an impossible situation. You have walked away from your faith, when you felt like your church fell apart.
Much like in high school where you almost destroyed your life attempting to rebel against your mother you again are trying to destroy yours, and mine in the process, while rebelling against God.
I don't think you thought that your friends would pick my side. I don't think you realize what you are doing is wrong. You despair about Disney being no better than high school, when you are the one acting like a child.
I will go on to greater things. God already has moved me out of your reach. You are only a moment to better prepare me for the man that will truly make me happy one day.
But I pray you heal and hopefully learn a lesson from all of this.
I learned I have an amazing and loyal group of friends. That my reputation proceeds and protects me. I learned that I am so much better than what you gave, that I deserve more. And finally that no matter what God loves and protects me.
So God speed, for now I wash my hands of you and turn towards the promise of better things. I hope you find the same.

Need to get something off my chest.

I must start this off with Suicide is a terrible reality of this world and those that its leaves in its wake are just as much victims of those it takes. I in no way advocate suicide and encourage those that are facing the harsh realities of Depression, mental illness and more to reach out for help, there are many who want to support and comfort you. But I feel I need to get this out of my head before it festers. I have read Matt Walsh's blog and several others, as it is hard to avoid them at this point in the aftermath. While I am overjoyed that mental illness and depression are being spoken about and people are encouraging others to find help, I find myself dismayed at the alarming amount of people running around saying suicide is a choice. Unsurprisingly, many of these same people openly admit to not suffer from this same disease, yet have no problem dictating how those that do should act.


Depression isn't a choice. Suicide, a culmination of the terror that is depression, isn't a choice, nor is it selfish. Nothing could ever sway someone to choose laying in bed physically incapable of moving while internally screaming at themselves to "Get up! Do Something! Move! Take a shower! EAT! For God's sake MOVE!" To see their body literally betray them, to be trapped in an ever warping mentality that everyone knows is a slippery slope with suicide glaring at them from the bottom of the ravine. No one will argue that hope, joy and spirituality are insignificant parts of our lives and choices but at the same time that is like saying you have a choice to not give into HIV, AIDS, Leukaemia, and more. Depression is a chemical imbalance, a mental illness, a disease that has no cure. Depression has physical manifestations that proves its not just a “outlook” or “imaginary” thing. Abnormal glands, membranes, brain and cardiac tissues, limps or restricted movements, loss of movement and paralysis, lumps or nodes, mood swings, loss of appetite- all of these are symptoms of depression. All are also symptoms of cancer as well, yet no one is saying cancer is a choice. There are ways to buffer it. Compassionate care, vigilant love and attention, open communication, support groups, like minded partners who understand and don’t yell or shame… the list goes on. You can get a pill that helps minimize the voices constantly in your head, but they never truly go away.


Even worse are the ones out there that are shaming Christians for their struggles with depression. “Weak” or “False” Christians, according to them, don’t give into depression and either contemplate or attempt suicide. Wrong. The Bible is full of men, of devout faith, writing about wishing to end it all. Elijah. David. Paul. Saul! The wisest man, a gift given by god himself, suffered from mental illness and actually killed himself at his lowest moment- when after the loss of his sons, army and nation, his mind gave up and he lost the battle. And that is what it is, a battle not a choice. No one choses to lose a battle.


What Robin William’s death has done is make many realize that no one can truly understand the depth of someone else's suffering, or the reasons that could drive a soul to such desperation. Only God knows what is in a person's heart (Psalm 139:1-2). Only he knows the extent of pain which might bring a person to the point of suicide and what choice they do make. The choice to follow Christ, the only true important choice we can make in our life, is the one we must focus on. Even the most righteous and devoted follower can succumb to the pains of the flesh and depression is one of the most persistent “pains” out there. We cannot choose how our life will end, but we can choose how to live it. Care for one another, help those in need, treat others with respect and kindness, reach out, seek those who are in pain and give them rest. In short, Love as Christ loves you.

A Letter to J.K. Rowling

15 years ago I picked up a book,

10 years ago a movie gave me my letter of acceptance on my 11th birthday,

5 years ago I graduated with the Gryffindor gang

and tonight my journey came to an end with the last days of my childhood having officially faded.

Thank you for teaching me bravery, courage in the face of adversity, the value of loyalty, perseverance, hope and sticking by my beliefs even when the end of the world is marching on my doorstep, but best of all to love and live.

It is no coincidence that I feel a close kinship to the saga that was Harry Potter. No- I don't secretly think I am a wizard, nor do I think I am any kind of magical creature, or so on. But when Harry Potter came out I was that 11 year old kid that believed in the impossible and the magical- plus it didn't hurt that I always got to play him because my birthday was only a week away from his. Harry Potter always seemed to come out right around the same giant life changing moments I had and struggled right along with me. No, I wasn't fighting a Dark lord for the continued survival of a magical world in a literal sense, but I found parallels none the less. Harry's world was thrown into chaos in the book as I made the shaky transition into middle school and again in the movie as I left behind everything I knew and moved to a new town in a new state. As Harry traveled through hell and back in black and white, I traversed high school (which can easily outshine hell on any day in any memory). When the movies depicted life altering changes and Harry's quest to find out who he was and how he fit into the grander scheme of life, I was questing my way through college and facing some of those same hard questions Harry was. To me, Harry had always been the pinnacle of who I wanted to be. Strong, courageous, brave but not without his share of faults that his friends still loved him for. He experienced the awkward moments of puberty with me, the loss of those I love, the feelings of being torn between two worlds and never really knowing your place in either, the pangs of confusion, frustration, and disappointment in those around me, the transition of becoming an actual adult in the eyes of those I looked up to, the disillusionment of humanity and adulthood, the joys of friendship, of awkward teenage love, of finding your path, of looking into the horizon and never knowing what the next day might bring and just living.

Once again, Harry was there when I am facing a life changing moment. This time next year there is no definite plan for my life. Oh there are things that I want to do, like Harry's dream of becoming an Auror, I dream of teaching, guiding and informing about our great history as human beings. But like Harry, I truly have no idea what the future has in store. I hope that I can make the transition into adulthood with as much grace and elegance as my literary counterpart. But like Harry, college as I know will exist no more. Friends will still stay in contact but we will drift apart as we go on to live our own lives. Friends will leave, some not by choice. Stories will end, doors will close. But, like Harry, I have a shot at true happiness.

Right now, I can not paint the picture because I am no Madame Trelawney and tea leaves have never been my speciality. But one final thing Harry and I have in common, is that for both of us there is a great and wonderful author who is writing my story and sharing it with the world. He has always known the story- even knows the ending- and is revealing the path to me much like Harry's was to the world.

I only hope my ending is equally as epic.

Alas, now I must board my own train and go "on" with my life. But I will always know, love and cherish the moments I spent with this wonderful story and the characters that felt so much like my own. With literary friends that told me it was okay to be different, to stand up for what I believed was wrong, to encourage me to believe in myself and in those around me, that proved time and time again that deep down everyone is the same but it is that choices we make that define us and helped me realize that at the core of my life should always be love and hope.

Without those, we have nothing.

"Don't pity the dead, Harry. Instead pity the living. Especially those who have lived without love."

YOU!

I AM SO DONE WITH YOU!!
I am not your mother, your babysitter, your easy A, your lifesaver, your restart button, your punching bag, your trash can, your conscious or your soul.
I'm tired of having to stifle who I am around you because I might offend the Diva. I'm tired of having to sooth your busted ego because people pick on you. I mean come on! You flaunt that you are a large homosexual German and then get hurt when people make fun of you. Yes some of the things that have happened are wrong. Drawing Nazi symbols on your door was wrong, but putting a German song on the door in a dorm full of drunken freshman wasn't exactly smart either. You don't want to get hurt then don't put yourself out there like that!
On top of that you act like you're the only one that is ever picked on! WHICH IS RIDICULOUS!!! If I even put together half the things you say to me on a daily basis I could have you charged for sexual and mental harassment and abuse. I am your punching bag. Lets make fun of the Virgin, Lets make fun of the Christian, Lets make fun of the Republican, Lets make fun of the Female, Lets make fun of Women's rights, Lets make fun of the Single Person, Lets Provoke her with Gay Situations, Lets remind her that I have just as many rights for living in sin as she does, but apologise saying No Offense like its the cover all band aid for what you are saying...
The List Goes On....
This week alone you have skipped all of the classes we have together and I had to give you my notes because I didn't want the DSSL students who gets those notes to suffer because of your lazy butt. On top of that you are getting paid for MY NOTES!!! A paycheck for a class you didn't go to, material you didn't learn, and the man hours you didn't put in.
Then, when I invite you to study with me for a really important test in that class you haven't gone to in a month, you show up with no materials, no book, no note cards, NOTHING!! and then proceed to steal MY precious time and materials trying to spoon feed you this class. I could have been SO MUCH more productive if you just weren't there. Then I had to drag your butt to the test because you were going to take the cheaters way out and write the professor that you were sick and need to take it at a later date. THAT'S LYING AND YOU DESERVE THE F!!!! One good thing is that I apparently mastered the guilt trip and got you to go to the test instead of cheating.
For when you do actually show up for class you say, "Lets sit together!" and then put me way in the back where I can barely hear and try to talk to me the whole time. I'm not a mean person, so I don't like saying no, BUT NO MORE!! Here it is HELL NO!!
It is not my responsibility to remind you that we have a final tomorrow. Its not my responsibility to remind you that staff shouldn't get drunk or stoned. You are such a hypocrite when it comes to that, honestly. This time last year you couldn't get of the Bash the _____ Train because she constantly showed up drunk or stoned. You sir! Are No Better.
Even worse is that everyone assumes that I am supposed to take care of you and are responsible for your actions!! My Boss today called me into his office in front of other staff members and demanded me to stop you from doing something that was against the rules and quite honestly annoying and juvenile. Or tonight when you were off campus getting stoned out of your mind, everyone assumed I was going to go drag you out of a house that I had no clue where it was, in the fog at 1 in the morning and have to deal with someone that I gave up dealing with in High School and still violently dislike. All because you didn't know that there was a final tomorrow and were too stoned out of your mind to tell people that you were taking the one on Tuesday.
This is the last straw.
Our friendship is not healthy to me anymore.
You drain my physically.
You drain me mentally.
You drain me emotionally.
People attack me when I don't take your side.
I do all this crap for you and never get a thanks.
I had a good friend try to fight me because I tried venting some frustrations on why I am tired and she started attacking me.
All I said was that I was tired of being your Mom and she started attacking me. I didn't even get the chance to explain why I said that.
All I got was a, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE HAS GONE THROUGH TONIGHT!!"
Let me guess.
He went off campus to the house of the girlfriend of a guy who he has been having drama with for her birthday. Everyone around him was getting stoned and drunk. He was getting either stoned or drunk, I really don't care. The Social Lubricant took hold and people started saying things. Bitchy people came out with claws swinging and his "fragile" ego couldn't take it when people told Him to his face that they didn't like him. He tried to do damaged control as she-witch attacked drama boy. Probably broke up with him, which honestly is good for him because he really only was an extension of her arm at this point. So Drama Boy took it out on him because he knows how to hit all of the right buttons. Now he's upset because he wasn't smart enough to say no and not put himself in this stupid position in the first place.
Here is my real beef. I AM TIRED OF YOU COASTING THROUGH LIFE AND GETTING EVERYTHING YOU WANT!!
I'm tired of you getting away with not doing anything! Part of me is glad that you probably failed that test! It's an evil part of me to delight in your misfortune but at the same time I won't deny that its there. You should have justice catch up with you! I'm done covering for you. I'm done making sure you don't fail. I'm going to let you drop the vase and watch it shatter to a thousand pieces and I'm not going to help you pick up the pieces. You need to learn from your own stupid mistakes.
I'm.
Not.
Your.
MOM!

Tired of Prop 8

I had a friend try to show me a video of an MSNBC news cast where a reporter voiced his opinions on Prop 8 and the backlash that has followed it in the recent month. He tried to convey that it wasn’t an issue of marriage but an issue of denying happiness and love between two human beings. She tried to tell me that this was the core of the issue surrounding Prop 8 and why people reacted to a recent note I had written. But I wanted to tell her that it is not an issue of not knowing the other side of the issue or not coming at it from another prospective. I watched this clip when it had originally aired and my opinion still stands. I wanted to tell her that I will never agree on this issue, for so many other reasons than the one I poorly wrote out in that note. I don't agree with gay marriage, I don't support the homosexual lifestyle, and I use my rights as an American to free speech and the right to vote to show my beliefs. That’s it plain and simple. So people can show me videos, quote speeches, throw things at me, whatever. But I won’t change what I feel about this issue. I’m not ignorant and don’t know what I am talking about. I like to try to be as informed as I can be before I take a stance on an issue and this is no different. But part of why I am writing this note is that a ton of people told me that I was uninformed and didn’t know the whole story and the other side of the issue. But it is a two way street. People are trying to force me to see the other side of the issue without understand my own side. Very few of the people who did this to me, I believe, could not honestly tell me the reasons I believed what I believed correctly without resorting to cruel and harsh stereotypes that attack my religion. But, alas, because of our society and the type of people who I interact with on and around this issue I couldn't say that. So in order to have a piece of mind I will write it here.
The real heart of this issue is Religion vs. Lifestyles. This issue will never be fully resolved. It is just that. I know that I will always fight for propositions like Prop 8 because I believe that it is morally wrong and goes against the beliefs that are the core of my human being. I am slightly offended by this man on the news cast taking my religion completely out of context. It’s not that I don’t love people who call themselves homosexuals and want to sanctify their relationships or that I hate them without even knowing their faces. I want people to find happiness. I’m not this evil being that demands that everyone in the world should suffer. I see it day to day that this world is a horrible and evil place and part of it is due to what society has allowed people to do. I mourn the world and the horrible things that occur in it every day. But, and I’m sorry if I offend someone when I say this, but this is the problem for me. I am being asked to support an issue that I not only think is a sin and morally wrong, but diminishes an act that to me is the ultimate act that I can perform in this lifetime. An act that I would defend until the end of time and that is what I am doing.
I’m just going to say it. I don’t believe that homosexuality is anything but a choice that a person makes, plain and simple. Oh yes, now people will be offended, but that’s it. I do not believe these claims “That it is how I’m made”, and “I don’t chose to be this.” No. You were not physically made to love someone of the same gender. If you were then why do need a man and a woman in order to procreate? A woman and a woman cannot and a man and a man cannot.
Yes, my religion says that in the beginning God made a woman and a man and they were told to love each other and multiply. Yes, it says that marriage is only between a man and a woman and it is at the core of my religion. So obviously this is really important to me. There are over 500 references in both the new and old testaments that involve the phrases “marriage”, “husband” and “wife”. To me, we see the first wedding in the very first book of the Bible, right at the beginning and heart of my beliefs. To me marriage is God's idea, designed and instituted by the Creator, and the heart of God's design for marriage is companionship and intimacy between a man and a woman. It was Adam and Eve in the beginning, not Adam and Steve or Eve and Amanda.
Now I say this all in order for people to understand where I stand on this issue and why I vote the way I do. But know this. I do not agree with people who call themselves Christians and discriminate and act violently towards people who call themselves different. They aren’t Christians. They are people who have chosen a banner that has nothing to do with the actions that they are performing. Those people disgust me and for them to call themselves Christians angers me to the point where I almost give up and don’t tell people I am a Christian because I do not want to be associated with those people. They aren’t Christians and sometimes I even wonder if they are people. What they do are horrible and quite frankly are against the very religion that they claim to be acting under. I do not believe in homosexuality but I will love and call them my friends because that it what it truly means to be a Christian.
Excuses me while I get a little preachy but in order to feel like you truly understand how I think and for you to be truly informed on both sides of the issue I have to get a little biblical. Jesus came down to earth and what did he do? Did he lead a witch hunt to kill all of the sinners? Did he violently hate and openly abuse those who he believed were committing acts that were wrong? Did he sit in his high tower next to the “religious leaders” of the day and condemn and persecute those that were believed to be heathens and dark spots on society? NO! He spent all of his days among those people. He spent his day with the lepers, prostitutes, thieves, murderers, tax collectors, lawyers and the very people that the others were condemning. He went out of his way to love those people that the very people who were claiming to act in his name were attacking and hurting. BUT! He also let them know that he believed what they were doing was wrong AND he loved them anyways. So that is what I strive to do and be. I strive to love everyone unconditionally and be who I am and what I believe at the same time.
I have more than one friend that is of the homosexual persuasion and you can ask them, I don’t approve of what they are doing but I love them just the same. I won’t try to bash your head in with a Bible, I will hug you, tell you I love you but don’t agree with you and we’ll move on. I won’t stick a scarlet letter on your chest and kick you out of the village. If anything I’ll save you a place next to me in the pew always, even if you don’t come.
But I have severally rabbit trailed. The real thing is that it is against my very being to support and vote yes on things supporting homosexuality and marriage. It is and always will be. I will love you, hold your hand and be a shoulder for you to lean on but you will know that I don’t approve. Just like you will always vote for it because you believe that it is right and a matter of happiness and love. Sadly, I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel and don’t plan on being there to see the end.

*Insert Politically Correct Term Here*

“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but you are not of the world, because I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours.
—John 15:18-20

I read this verse today and it really struck home with me. So many times last year I had people look or act strangely around me. I was treated like I was an alien or a monster by some, others treated me like the snitch and everything I do is for the soul purpose of getting them into trouble. It wasn't really surprising. None of this behavior really came out until they heard I was a christian. I could be totally cool with them but the second they heard I was a christian they would flip a switch and their whole demeanor would change.
Its funny really. Society is all about the politically correct (or socially sensitive as it is now being called) and the destruction of stereotypes. Why its even a whole presidential campaign. But here is the thing. Its all lip service, especially when it comes to Christan's. Its in our comedy, our music, our television, our news... everywhere. I was watching last comic standing the other night and saw a particularly funny sketch about bombers from WWII. Of course the judges absolutely hated it because the one making the joke was a white man. They scolded him so bad about racial insensitivity and that America today didn't stand for that. Immediately following this man was a Korean woman who's whole act was a string of racial slurs about herself and her people. She was just as bad if not infinitely worse than the man before her. But the judges praised her, basically saying that it was okay to make fun of your own people. This infuriated me because an underlying message was also said just not verbally. That message was that everyone is allowed to make fun of themselves and others like them except a certain group of people, in this case a white comedian. Now I'm not doing this as a poor white girl but to make a point. This mentality heavily affects us as Christians. If we even try to make fun of ourselves we are scolded for not truly believing in God and being a poser christian. But everyone else is allowed to make fun of us. Oh God forbid (and I do intend it as irony) but God forbid that we make fun of other religions. If we make fun of Jews, we're antisemitic. If we make fun of Muslims, they start a holy war. If we make fun of African Americans, Hispanics, Asians or any other nationality, we're racists. But who is open game no matter what? Whites, Rednecks and Christians. I only say whites and rednecks because more often than not the stereotype that they are christian and it makes it okay. Now i'm not bashing on the other races, religions or nationalities. I'm just pointing out a supreme injustice that happens to affect me.
Everyone wants to be equal, everyone wants change. How about we change ourselves before we go trying to change other people? Let us focus on ourselves and stop trying to tell other people what they can or can't do, what they can or can't say and think. Lets just worry about what our own minds and mouths are saying, for those are the most dangerous really.

Wow.

I'm 19.
I have great friends.
My Family is awesome.
I get a day off of work tomorrow.
I got more than I wanted for my birthday.
I've gotten to see friends that I haven't seen in like forever.
I've gotten to really know some new ones quite well.
Did I mention I was 19?!?

Spokane

Have you ever heard of those little towns that never change no matter how long it has been since you last saw it? Everyone still knows everyone, people live in the same houses they have lived in for years, and landscapes and skylines never change. Well Spokane is one of those towns. Nothing has changed. The town, the people, even my old house hasn't really changed.
But at the same time it has subtly changed. The kitchen has new appliances and the floors are new. Yes the original curtains that my mom put up are still there, but rooms have been painted. In the same way Spokane itself has changed. People are subtly different. Friends that I knew better than the back of my hand have changed and I rarly recognise them. People have grown and changed and still others haven't changed at all. I've been elated and disappointed all at the same time.
But most of all I'm sad.
I guess without realising it that I had always left a special place in the back of my mind that had convinced me that I had never moved. That life in Oregon was just a long vacation and that I would eventually come back and slip back into the life I had.
Its sad when dreams die.
My life that I had isn't here anymore. The people I loved aren't here anymore. Sure they are physically here but not in the way I remember them and in some cases I wish they were better off gone. I'm definatly disappointed in some people. I will never tell them or go beyond saying anything past this, "I miss you and hopefully one day you will come back."
But on the other side of the pillow I am so proud of some people.
Scott, I have never been so proud of you in my life. You have grown up so much. I mean it when I say I'm proud of you and I love you. You have matured so much even in just the year it has been since we have seen each other. You're my best friend. It has always been the 3 of us hasn't it? You, Tammy and I. And everything is finally clicking back together. I'm so glad. And I totally expect to be standing next to you through more things in life.
I guess the one thing I haven't faced is how much I have changed. I wonder what these same people I am talking about think of me. Are they disappointed? Do they think that I have grown as much as I have seen others? Or deep down am I still stuck in the perfect memory of Spokane that I had created for my self? Who knows?
All I know is this. I think I am finally finding closure on my life in Spokane. Old crushes are dying, frendships are either ending or getting stronger, and in the end I am banishing the picture I left behind. Both in myself and out. I am no longer a young girl of 14 with her first love, working at Riverview and hanging with an amazing group of friends. I'm now less than a month from being 19, I have friends that are either new or old but will last a lifetime, and I am now working at college instead of a camp. But somethings will never change. I will always look for the feeling I felt that spring in 2004. I'm still looking for another great love. I'm still looking for amazing friends and I'm still looking for my future. But one can't find their future if they are held back by their past. So I go to this wedding tomorrow to close a door behind me as I walk into the world of my future.

Sigh

"Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise."-Proverbs 19:20

It is frustrating when you try to teach someone and they don't want to listen. Teaching a class full of college students should be easy right? They're college students! They should be well mannered and easy to teach right? But nooo. Any class, especially a PE reverts a person back to how they acted in Middle school. You'd think that they know how to act and when they don't you try to remind them. But you can't lead a horse to water and make it drink. It really comes down to if the other person is willing to listen or not. Which is hard because when you stick a ball in front of a guys face, he tends to stop listening. You could try to teaching them skills that come straight from God's mouth, but if they are off in their own little world then there is nothing you can do. Except for maybe take the ball away....
Still it feels really crappy when you try to teach them something and because they aren't listening you feel like a failure. It is almost enough to make one want to quit. But one just has to pray and trust God that in the end it will all work out.
I guess this is a good lesson though. If I really want to be a teacher, especially one in Health and P.E. then I'll have to get use to not being able to help everyone. I can't save the world. There will be people that won't want my help or are off in their own little world. There will be girls that even if I fail them will never dress down or actually participate. There will be kids that are forced to take my class and will actively hate me, some are even going to say it to my face. But I have to remind myself that the love that I have for these kids is like the love God has for me, unconditional. I will always do what I can for these kids whether they want me to or not. Even if it is like a tide washing up against a giant cliff. A steady stream of love will continually wear down it's resistance. So I may not be the final crash that saves these kids, but I am part of the solution. I just have to do all I can, even if they don't want to listen. If I can just give them the knowledge I have learned and give them the tools they need to save them from harm later in life, then that is all I can ask for.
God will do the rest.

107!! Its a Hundred-friekin'-Seven!!! ~Allister Jones

Fun times at the lakes with the buds, just trying to beat the ridiculous heat. Here is one of Flounder and Maracas, (Sydney and Myself as we have been dubbed) wading in the waters of Emmigrant Lake. 2 days at the lake... In a row... yeah... I really need to do my homework now.

Shiver me timbers please!

Its wonderful to watch a Camelot where the Lancelot is smokin', Guinevere is not a wilting flower, and Mordred is a punk rocker wimp.
Ah Glorious.
So if you can't tell I just finished watching Camelot live in the Lincoln Center with the New York Philharmonic.
Ahhhhh.... Lerner and Loewe are Geniuses!!
Brigadoon, Camelot, Paint Your Wagon, and My Fair Lady?
If they were both still alive I might just have to kiss them and thank them for their gift to the world.
OH yes.
Now I go off to hear Heath Ledger say my name with passion and watch silly boys play with horses and sticks.
It's a laaance! Heellloooo!

Lee-der-ship (n.)

"Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it." ~Dwight D. Eisenhower

So this question hasn't been able to leave my mind for the last week and apparently on the minds of others too. Everyone I talk to lately seems to be questioning the qualities needed to be a leader. Be it when you are talking about who you think will be a better president or talking about how you did in your interview for Resident staff next year. It just dominates my mind. Between RA training, RA interviews, Student Council, Job Interviews, Group Projects and School, its become rather ridiculous. I have started chiseling out a standard cookie cutter response that I know will look good on a resume or interview sheet and can spit it out without thinking.
Interviewers ask: How do you make a good leader?
"Being balanced. Knowing when to care and when to push. When to stretch and when to compromise. Knowing how to support but at the same time know when to drive those around you. Knowing when to step up or when to step back, even if it is hard."
But do I really believe it?
I was talking to our Dorm Daddy Rich Kane the other day when I brought this question to him and he told me something that I will try to keep with me for as long as I can.
He told me that the only good leaders are the ones that people don't realise that they are being lead by. A true leader is not afraid to step back and let others shine and bring out the best in the people around them.
And its true!! How many times did you work in a fabulous group where everyone worked really hard and did they're best? Did it seem like everyone was the leader yet at the same time no one was? We've all had projects or situations like this. But if you think harder about it there was someone asking questions or throwing out ideas or just encouraging people, right? They were true leaders. Not every leader needs to take charge and fearlessly lead their troops into a glorious death or battle, while those are still great leaders it may not be right for every situation. While it is effective, don't get me wrong, I have had it back fire on me more times than not. Sometimes people just don't want a dictatorship or even a hierarchy. I mean that's how our country as created right? England thought that if they kept a strong fist with it's colonies that everything would return back to normal, but we all know how that turned out.
I've been playing a new game I found called Europa Universalis III. In this game you step into the lives of famous rulers and try to keep your country alive. Its hard. You can't survive without your board of advisers. So even great rulers need support and each one of those great men had anywhere from one to twenty other men and women supporting them, each one of them a leader in their own right. I've learned that there are so many different kinds of leadership out there. Leading can be everything from assigning tasks, to giving complements, to even just suggesting someone use their strengths to make the situation better.
In a way everyone is their own kind of leader in their fashion. Some may be subtle, others in your face. Some may have been leaders all their lives and we only remember them for their great moments.
We all know the Shakespeare phrase, "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them." Well, I don't agree. I believe that everyone has greatness inside them and use it everyday, we just tend to remember the really epic moments of greatness.
So I guess I think that next time someone makes you feel better when you're down or gives you a compliment, thank them for being an everyday leader.
Now all I have to do count down the moments till I get that letter Friday that tells me whether or not they think that I am they type of leader they need for Resident Staff next year.
Wish Me luck!!!

Stop the world...

I wanna get off.

Fairy Tales and Nonsense

I was going through old novels of mine for a book club and found a poem that I had written after reading a particularly sappy romance fairy tale sometime senior year. I had shoved it in the novel near the back cover. I couldn't remember what the story was about or why I had written the poem, so I sat down in the middle of my dorm room and started reading it again. Then I remembered why I had written the poem a couple hours later when I finished the book again.

The story was about this princess who was in an arranged marriage with a man she hardly knew but had known about since child hood. She had loved him from afar but she was unsure if he felt the same. So in order to test him and if he truly loved her she ran off and left behind clues. The final lines in the note she left behind was two words, "Catch me." Of course the hopeless romantic in me loved the story. She guided him and let him know her true heart at the same time getting to know his and falling in love in new ways then she had before. They almost lost each other due to doubts and uncertainty but in the end he finally found her. And I remember being so inspired that I wrote my own cryptic note for someone someday to read and had stuck in the back of this novel, forgetting about it until almost a year later.

*I apologise for the lame attempt at poetry, and excuse me if there isn't any thing "poetic" about it. English was never my strong suit and we tend have a love/hate relationship with each other. But here is the poem.

Catch Me

Fight me
Fight with me
Fight for me
Challenge me
Stretch me
Pull me
Shape me
Chase me
Tame me
Catch me

Push me
Top me
Be stronger than me
Out-man me
Cherish me
Protect me
Stand up for me
Respect me
Care for me
Care with me
Catch Me

Duel for me
Duel with me
Joust for me
Joust with me
Rescue me
Save me
Know me
Like me
Love me
Catch me

Be the man I need you to be
If you don't you may just loose me.
Are you going to catch me?
Is no one going to catch me?

I thought that you were the one,
but here I am without someone.
Alone and lost without out a guide,
with no one standing by my side.

Catch Me, that's what I told you,
but you have seem to have fallen through;
the cracks inside my heart are deep,
filled with only these tears I weep.

All alone is where I stand,
on the shifting hills of sand,
Time itself will not stand by,
and soon my love will slowly die.

If only my dream could be real,
to hold you close and really feel.
Before I loose myself too much,
bring me back with your touch.

In this darkened room I stand,
thinking that you hold my hand.
This feeling on my senses play,
hearing words that you can't say.

I'm standing on Love's final edge,
balancing on that ragged ledge.
But then I feel hands about my waist,
saving me from Death's greedy taste.

I feel your body next to mine,
touches sparking down my spine.
You put your mouth next to my ear,
and say the words I need to hear,

"I caught you"

So yeah. Tonight has been all about fairy tales, knights and heroes to me, So I thought I'd share that because not only did it inspired me, but touched me later when I found it again. I hope that maybe it might have touched you too.

Looking Glass

I'm a little lost when it comes to the people I have surrounded myself with.
They're so...
They just need to go away.
I'm tired of holding my tongue back because I might offend someone who offends people on a daily basis. Its true. Everyone hates you because you're an egotistical, vain, attention-whore. I know when not to act like a girl and shoot back with petty remarks, more than I can say about you. I hope someone smacks you in the face with a good dose of reality and can confidently say that it is coming soon. No one can stand to be around you they're just too polite to walk away. We all talked about you today. You left outside and everyone let lose. Did you not notice that when you walked back in how the conversation died? No, you were too busy thinking everyone loves you. (BUZZER) WRONG!! You're so insensitive and discriminating. You're jokes aren't funny, they're hurtful. There is a reason you're the only one laughing. Everyone actively tries to avoid you and talks about you the second you're gone. Its disgusting how shallow and petty you are. Insult my clothes, fine. Insult my political choices, whatever its not like its new. Insult my religion, why not? Its practically our nation's greatest pastime at this point. But when you assault my character I'm done. I loved how it was my fault when a job wasn't done. Didn't matter if it wasn't my job to begin with because apparently it's always MY fault when something goes wrong or falls apart!!! So if a job wasn't getting done why didn't you get off your royal butt and do it? Oh whats that? You're a lazy slacker? Oh sorry I forgot for a second that you might have been a decent human being. If I hear one more story about how your life has been handed to you on a gold platter lined with pixie dust and sunshine all the while you're gossiping horrible things about me behind my back I might just haul off and rip that silver spoon out of your mouth and beat you over the head with it.
I'm done.
I'm done with you and the headaches you always bring.
Now I'm sure there are others reading that at one point thought this might have been them. I wouldn't be surprised but the truth of the matter is that its not. The person this is about doesn't even know this blog exists. But to those few my only question to you is why? Did you expect it? Are you digging for a reason to hate me? Are you that into yourself that everything around you is about you? Or are you miserable and you want to make sure that everyone around you is as miserable as you?
I have noticed in the last year that the age old saying is true, Misery loves company. That's why I wrote this rant, because the last thing I want to do is make some one else feel better by putting me down and making my life a living hell. Too many times. I've had too many people that I called friends and cared about stab me in the back. Guys and girls alike. People love drama, drama makes people miserable and gives others a sense of entitlement. "Well she did this.." or "He said that.." Everyone around me says that they hate drama, but as those words are coming out of their mouth the dagger is sinking into someone else's back. I hate people who have made the lives around them so miserable that people have to censor what they do and how they talk or how they might respond because they know that if that person finds out your life becomes hell. I thought I left it all behind in High School but no. Obviously I wouldn't be writing this if it didn't. People in college are just as petty and miserable as those I left behind in High School. They live for drama and because we are all pretty much forced to see each other 24/7 it happens. Why have I gone home so many times recently? Because if I don't I'll go insane. I'm already a hermit. I only come out during short periods of time because I don't want to talk to people. I constantly hear "Jocelyn I hardly ever see you anymore!", "We haven't talked in forever!", "Where have you been? We thought you died!"
Wanna know where I've been?
Back in my old pattern I established senior year. Make myself so busy that I won't have to deal with people if it isn't in a formal setting. I bustle from classes to meetings to appointments to jobs to volunteering to programs to planning... all in the hopes that I don't have to talk to anyone. I wont go back to it, that place needs to stay away. I fought it so hard and now when I thought that I can finally move on, it comes back. I'm doing good! I should be happy! I have a great boyfriend, a wonderful family, I'm finally doing well in school and getting my body back to the way I loved it. But why am I so close to going back there? I see her. Staring back at me with that false smile that says she's okay when she really isn't. She hated herself. Didn't understand why she was constantly passed over, ignored or hated. What had she done? Was she not good enough? Was she not pretty enough? Was she too loud? Too rude? Too... too...
No. She wont cry anymore. She's strong and beautiful. She was just a swan swimming with ducks.
But that's her.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I became cross and short with my mother over nothing, I have been neglecting my relationship with my boyfriend and its tearing me up inside, I hardly ever talk anymore, I have been hurting those I love without even trying, I have made my grandfather who I love and adore think that I am angry at him and don't love him anymore, and worst of all I've neglected my walk with God. I've let petty people keep me from truly worshiping him and it hurts. I love singing praise songs and letting my voice tell God how much I love him, but that hardly happens now. I will admit I've been tested and refined but each time I still know that I'm probably going to fail at one point or another. I've grown. I can see it. But at the same time it feels that what I've gained isn't even close to what I've lost.
I was so secure in who I was and what my character is, and now its like looking into tarnished silver. I can catch glimpses of my true potential but there seems to be so much crud to get through just to be able to see it, let alone make it shine.
I know I'm not perfect. I'm anything but. Still. I only hope that this doubt will go away and I can truly shine for him.
I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of holding back. I'm tired of sitting and watching. I'm tired of watching people ruin other peoples lives.
But I have to remember that I can't save the world. That's not my job. I'm not a super hero despite what quizzes might say. I'm just a person in need of forgiveness and touched by grace.
I may not be a super hero, but at least I know one.

Being Sick Sucks.... Hard Core.

Sound Track of My Life
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:

1. Open your music library.

2. Put it on shuffle.

3. Press play.

4. For every question, type the song that's playing.

5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.

6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits: Storybook Love by Willi De Ville from Princess Bride Soundtrack

Waking Up: So Much For My Sad Song by Chris Rice

First Day of School: Simple Things by Amy Grant

Falling in Love: Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by Bono & The Edge from Across The Universe

Fight Song: Feels Like Tonight by Daughtry

Breaking Up: Amaranth by NightWish

Life: There's Nothing Like A Show On Broadway by The Producers Original Movie Soundtrack

Mental Breakdown: Is She The Reason by Destiny's Child

Driving: When You Got It, Flaunt It by The Producers Original Movie Soundtrack

Flashback: Anything by Third Day

Getting Back Together: Complainte De La Butte by Rufus Wainwright from Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

Wedding: No Ordinary Love by Toby Mac Feat. Nirva Dorsaint-Ready

Birth of Child: Happy Little Working Song by Amy Adams from Enchanted Movie Soundtrack (Oh Lordy! Yes Tammy I can hear you laughing from here. You too Mom... Wow that really is irony!)

Final Battle: Breakfast by Newsboys

Death Scene: Let Me Fall by Josh Groban

Funeral Song: Let Me Go Lover by Dean Martin

End Credits: The Hop-Clop Goes On by The Producers Original Movie Soundtrack

Wow really couldn't ask for a better ending really...

So the reason for this lovely interlude was because of this horrendous cold that I have. It has been so bad that I haven't been myself for like a week and a half. Yesterday I was so wiped and sick that I literally slept for 18 hours. Came back from classes around 4 and was out by 5 waking up every 4 hours because my body needed to do something, be it cough, need water, or just plainly breathe. But tonight has no such luck. After talking to my boy I tried sleeping, honestly I did. But not even NyQuil could stop this cough. So since around 5 o clock, after maybe an hour or two of continual sleep, I have given up and now are watching infomercials that sound really good at five in the morning and old cartoons that I haven't seen in years all the while listening to the weird sounds my roommate is emitting. So after extensively googling myself and finding things from when I was 11, cruising Myspace, and filling out my calendars for the rest of Feb. and March (and thoroughly depressing myself in the process) I have settled on doing this little ditty over here. I am surprised on how well it has actually turned out. Some of the songs baffle me, others seem like a perfect fit! So yeah. Off to reign more terrors on my box of tissues and the Internet!!

Snots Ahoy!

Well Huh.

God works in mysterious ways...
So for all that don't know I have been praying alot this last week, for a lot of different things but I think the largest things other than the occasional, "Dear lord please let this class be over with soon!" are the fact that I have been praying for guidence for where I am supposed to go to school next year and for my Dad and his job situation. College is a great place, I love it. I think I have been happier the last few months than I have been in a long time, honestly. Not anyone's fault really its just I was never really made for high school. But at college I have found myself flourishing. So over break my mom reminded me that I had been flourishing so well that I had until roughly Thanksgiving to decide what I was going to do for the next 3 years of my life. After the initial panic of it all had past I began thinking. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? So far in the span of maybe 4 months I have effectively eliminated 4 different possiblilities. Probably more if I really thought about it. I realise that I could never do anything medical period. Don't like it, don't like hearing it, definately don't like seeing it and you're not getting me even close to fixing it. After that I eliminated science. Unfortunately I don't have the attention span nor the paitence for dealing with it, AP Chemistry kinda killed that and whatever it left Chem 2 destroyed. I tried looking into psychology, but that really isn't an instant results career. That takes years that unless I am absolutly 100 percent sure I want to put in that it may make it worth it in the end... maybe. Art was quickly and efficiently killed due to the fact that even as a hobby it create more stress and well, it should just stay a fun hobby that I'm really good at. So to make a long story shorter I think I've settled on the career that I have talked about most of my life, Education. I realised that in every career I thought about I always wanted to teach it at one point, so I thought 'Hey? Why not be a teacher then?" The only problem with that is that SOU's education program is just barely getting on its feet. It wasn't started until just recently and not as fully develpoed as some others that I have seen. So that brought up the question, Do I want to go to SOU next year? Unlike High school I actually have a choice on where I want to go and can change it at anytime that I wish. So I have been praying about it, 'Lord, please help me. Do you want me to go to SOU, OSU o George Fox?' Well, apparently I don't take small signals well so God sent a pretty big one. I was at a basketball game this last Saturday night supporting our Girls and making my roommate see some kind of light, even if it was artifical. It was housing night and I am on the housing board so I was there in support of the other members running the program. Well at half time they had a drawing for two things (along with various gift cards) an iPod Touch and Free housing for next year. Well not knowing if I wanted to go here, and figuring that if I do I would be here as an RA and would get it free anyways, so of course I didn't want that prize. I even went so far to tell Bill (head of housing) and Rich (my advisor) that the housing was the one prize that I didn't want. So as Bill reached for the names for iPod touch I held my breath, I really wanted that iPod. But alas it went to the guy sitting just behind me. So I turn to talk to Erika (my roommate) as everything else was being drawn. The finally get to the housing and announce that they were drawing 2 names that would have to do a "Best of of 10" free throw competition. I thought, 'Hey thats going to be fun to watch', having had to do one last year and losing. So I look and see that Bill has a huge smile on his face and that Rich looked like a kid on Christmas as they begin to read the names. I panicked at the beginning of the first name because it was a Josh. I turned to Erika and muttered, "Oh Thank God. For a second I thought that was me." No sooner had the words come out of my mouth then my name came out of Bill's. "CRAP!!"
Yeah, thats right, my name. Which meant that I had to go down and shoot 10 free throws in order to win a prize that I didn't want. But I was up against a guy so it shouldn't be a problem if I didn't try super hard because he was going to smoke me. So of course he pulled the ladies first card and off I went. With cheers of "You Go Girl!" I conviently figure how to just bounce the ball of the ring after 3 baskets (2 of which were clean nets by the way) 3 would make both him and I look good right? Wrong. I think that they picked the on guy in the whole gymnasium that was worse at Basket ball that I was. He only got 2 baskets! That's right. I won. Roughly $6,000 worth of housing for the next year that gaurntees that I can live where ever I want on campus. For most of the night I was really upset that I had won. At first I felt like I had stolen the prize from somone who might have really needed it. Then I found out that they actually did offer the other guy free housing too, but I was too busy looking at Erika and Rich laughing so hard that they both looked like they were going to cry. I left the game early and Erika and I went to dinner, the whole time I kept thinking 'Why? Why did I win?' I finally realized that this was my fleece. It was soaking wet and because I ignored it on the ground God had picked it up and thrown it in my face. You see I was thinking of applying for an RA job which everyone was basically telling me I was going to get. But for some reason I didn't believe them which was me ignoring the fleece on the ground. God had tried to show me one sign and I ignored him, even actively fought him. But one can't really ignore a sign that big can they?
So the moral of the story is that I have to really open my eyes when viewing the world around me, especially when I ask for signs.

Wow

They may come close...

But the way they make me feel right now makes them pale in comparison.

You're the first to give me roses and I can't stop smiling.

I wish I could show you how much I like them.

Thank you so much.

End of Camp No. 1

So Grades have come out and the first term of my Freshman year of college has come to an end. It honestly wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Honestly if you keep top of everything and not party like every one else is, you do just fine. I actually ended up with a 3.5 GPA for this first term, two A-'s and two B+'s. Honestly I don't know why a college has +'s and -'s. But whatever makes them feel good. It's surprising that I managed to pull that out with all of the own stuff going on in my life at the time. First off I spent most of my first semester sick with still yet to be determined illness and was miserable for a good majority of it. Then on top of that I had two persons of , well lets just say that we didn't mesh. Anyways besides the headaches and the nausea I still managed to get all of my work done. Amazing. I think these are the best grades I have ever gotten. Huh, who knew it would take me 12 years to figure school out? Well then!

It hasn't been all gloom and doom down in Southern Oregon. There have been some fantastically good times too. There was Ice skating for my friend Laruen and my roommate Erika's birthdays. Then I had just a Jocelyn day that soon became a girls day that eventually ended in everyone heading off to go watch Across the Universe in a movie theater full of stoned hippies. Imagine we're in Ashland. Who knew that there were other things you can do at college than party? Anyways.

Next semester should be interesting. Some of my more 'favorite' people may not be comming back next term. One of them moved out before this past term was even over. On top of that we have a new RA, new floor mates, and new classes (for the most part). So a whole new set of things are going to make it fun. I have only two days of classes each week. Tuesday and Thursdays from 8 to 3:30, but no breaks for moi, four whole classes back to back. The rest of the week I might have a job that is also from 8 to 3:30. So, I'll still have time for school don't worry, but still not go totally insane from boredom.

Well, that's all really. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Auggghhh!

I have decided that boys are silly and should be avoided at all costs. They aren't good for one's constitution, peace of mind, and overall health.
In short, Auuuggghhh!!
Boys, I ask you a question. Why is it that every time I want a boyfriend and actively go looking for one y'all won't give me the time of day, but the second I stop or give up suddenly there is a ton of you breaking down my door? Or even worse, I re-connect with you years after I had to say goodbye and find out that you have always had a crush on me but for one reason or another never told me? At the moment I am up to about 5 of you and its starting to get disgusting.
Another thing about boys is that dating in college is harder than I would ever have thought. Suddenly I'm confronted by questions that I have never really had to answer before. What do I want in a man? Of course there are always the fairy tale answers. He must be handsome, charming, witty, and brave. The epitome of the brave knight on a gallant white horse. Too bad that more often his white horse is a broken down Chevy bronco. But perfection is over rated. The question still lies. What do I want? Do I want a man who makes me laugh? Or are his brains going to outweigh his brawn? On top of that everything has a more... permanent sense to everything. Things I do now could end in marriage and soon. So what I am afraid of is that maybe I will make a mistake. So what do I do? What any sensible woman does, I make a list. But what does one put on such a list? The first things I thought of are things that I will not bend on. My future husband, whoever he might be, must have a strong sense of faith. I have decided that I will not date or marry a man that does not have a solid faith in Jesus. There are so many temptations, headaches, heart aches and pain that comes along when you date someone who isn't a believer. I have found that it is hard to relate to people that aren't Christians because their whole base on life is so different than my own. Things that I have always considered musts in my daily life are afterthought to most people. Without knowing it I have gained the reputation of "the good girl". And while I'm flattered it still doesn't solve the problem. Having to start off a relationship saying, "Hi my name is Jocelyn, I'm a Christian and please no republican jokes. I am a virgin, so no you aren't getting any no matter how hard you try. And I don't drink, do drugs or break "most" rules. So you still want to give it a try?" That just doesn't feel right. I don't think that I am supposed to have to start it off that way. It's unfortunate that I have to even think about that at all but stating it at the beginning is better than later because it is a problem. But not having to say it at all it the best. I don't know maybe it's just me. I've found that I really don't relate to a lot of the people I meet in college. I don't constantly think of sex or the next party where I can get smashed or stoned. I enjoy getting good grades and do homework when I need to. Profanities and crude humor aren't funny and I don't want to explain why for the millionth time. It's starting to get sad really. But that's another topic.
Back to my future man! After faith he must be funny. I don't think that I could be with a man that didn't make me laugh and me him. Humor is such a huge part of me that I need it in order to live I guess. He also needs to challenge me. I need someone who stimulates my intellect and gives me a fight, be it a debate or a full out brawl. I am a creature that thrives on a healthy sense of competition and if He doesn't fit the bill then I probably will leave. I like someone who will not be afraid to throw down and start wrestling or something like that, giving me that chance to prove that I'm not weak or fragile, but a strong woman. But he can't always let me win. Everybody needs a win every once in a while, but if I constantly win then you lose. But meeting me half way is a must. I will meet him as much as I can, but he needs to meet me back. He also needs to know when to take charge. I won't be the pants in the relationship. I spend most of my time taking care of others and for once I want someone to take care of me. After that I also need someone that understands me. Understands that even though I tend to shove the fact that I am a tomboy to the fore front that I am actually quite the girly-girl. I love feeling beautiful, be it in a dress or while I'm dancing or something else. I need a guy who will make me feel like that all the time. Even when I'm acting like the tomboy. He also needs to understand that I have a passion for almost everything. I love anything classical. Be it music, literature, plays and even dances. Especially dancing. Many a potential boyfriend was killed after a failed dance. My family has a joke that goes like this “If he can't dance then he really has no chance.” I can't blame them. I have stopped seeing 6 different guys after they took me to a dance and I couldn't enjoy it. I have the longing that I can just waltz with my beau and have the best time of my life. That comes to what I will count as my last point. He must understand and encourage the fact that I am a helpless romantic. While I'm not expecting Him to carry me off to his castle after love at first sight, I love the little things that make girls go "awe".
I guess the only reason that I’m doing this is because I am unsure about a relationship I have right now. He likes me and is more than meeting me half way, but I just can’t do it. Too many red flags go off in my head. First and foremost is his lack of faith. I just can’t get over it. Everything I have been taught tells me that this relationship shouldn’t happen, but I still think that he deserves a chance. But now it’s at the point that even when I just think about him I start to feel uncomfortable and that isn’t right. The whole entire time we have been “Dating” I’ve been looking for a way out. I shouldn’t feel trapped, but I am. I feel slightly backed into a corner even though no one has forced me there. I just don’t want to, plain and simple. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, sweet, shy, and cute. He’s like a giant teddy bear. But he’s just all wrong for me. He isn’t really anything up there on my list. Sure he fits a few, but not the crucial ones. I just don’t want to hurt him. He’s been hurt so much recently and… Oh Lord that’s the only reason I’m staying with him. I feel bad for him. That isn’t fair to him. I really should call it off. But I don’t know when. He just lost a dear friend to something really horrible and calling it off now may just be another slap in the face. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should do it fast and quick like a band-aid and hope that it doesn’t leave a bigger wound than the one it was covering. Maybe I should just let it be and let nature take its course.
Maybe I should just pray about it.
Yeah. That sounds good.