3 am Ramblings

I hate not being able to sleep.
I hate having regrets and doubts plauge me in the middle of the night.
I hate always feeling lonely right before I fall asleep.
I hate feeling like I'm losing my family by going off to college.
I hate that I don't feel good about myself because I don't have anyone.
I hate feeling like I should tell the guy that I'm crushing on that I like them and then feel rejected without even telling them yet, then worry about being rejected becuase I already feel like it.
I hate hearing that people think I'm calm, cool, and collected, when inside I'm a confused mess and don't understand why they think that.
I hate that I don't feel pretty because no one likes me.
I hate knowing that it's not true and that's not me thinking.
I hate that I still worry about opinions because of a group of girls who teased me in middle school and freshman year.
I hate that I often can't get the courage to hang out with people more.
I hate that I think I don't have any close friends when I have lots of people who love me.
I hate that I don't trust guys because too many have hurt me.
I hate that I can't let go of my hurts and have clung to them in the back of my mind.
I hate that I can't seem to turn this over to God and let him help me.
BUT:
I love my eyes.
I love my personality.
I love my creativity.
I love my best friend/sister.
I love my family so much it hurts.
I love my friends.
I love my dog's undying devotion that gives me hope.
I love the relationship I have with my parents.
I love that I can tell my Mom anything.
I love that I can tell a joke to my Dad and he won't get it.
I love to dance becuase it makes me feel beautiful.
I love putting the beauty of things around me into photographs.
I love that I have both sets of grandparents to spoil me.
I love that I was able to meet and learn from the amazing women my great-grandmothers were while I could.
I love that I am a strong woman of faith, even if I don't feel like it at times.
I love that I am really intellegent despite what my grades say.
I love that I enjoy reading for fun, even if they are fairytales.
I love that I have enough hope to believe that I could live a fairytale if I wanted to.
I love trying to find the silver-lining in everything.
I love to help others as much as I can.
I love making others feel good, it makes me feel good with them.
I love that I feel like I can express my doubts and know that my friends will help me through it.
I love that I believe in God's promise and know that I am always loved and cared for no matter what

So...

Thoughts to ponder and truisms of life:

Energy Drinks, being tired, and being left alone to one's own devices are never good.

Teriyaki Sauce and hot cars don't mix.

A secret chocolate stash saves lives.

The combination of corn dogs, cotton candy, hamburgers, and any other artery blocking food smell are not good all at the same time..... especially for 4 days in a row.

Cats don't make good hockey pucks.

Dogs and hard wood floors never mix.

Ice melts just as fast in cold water as in hot.

Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Life happens while your making plans.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

So what's the speed of dark?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Itza AH Broken!

So I tried adding that new poll feature and it has totally totaled my blog. Hopefully they can fix it soon. If not I may be doing some updating (Making a new one) somewhere else. So yeah.... Hope they can fix it.

But for now I am making a complete duplicate of the one I had and if nothing works out.. well this will just become the new one!

The age old saying...

Men are strange creatures.

Occasionally I look at them and think 'maybe God was distracted when making them, because they hardly ever make sense to me'.

Guys are puzzles.

Basic ideas are often lost on them. Their logic and ways of thinking are either confusing or blaring simple that you over look it. You tell them things that you believe are important and it's "in one ear and out the other". But they often remember things you said weeks ago that you believed to be trivial and not worth the memory space. They are sweet but are often jerks. They try to do the right thing, but more often than not it is not even close.

Often oblivious about how girls feel about them. Be it good or bad. They go after the girls they know they will never get and completely ignore the ones right in front of them. Or they play with the ones that care for them and then completely shut them down. I hate the saying, "You're like a sister to me." OR "I'm so glad you're my best friend." THEY SUCK! Guys are allowed to string girls along and play them like dolls. Then they get away with it!

How many a time have you seen two girls go after the same guy and when one of them gets rejected they go after the other girl instead of the guy. It's not the girls fault! The jerk that brushed you off is the one you should be mad at, not her. It's like guys are operating on a whole different set of rules then girls.

The whole situation is one I hate.

But at the same time I thrive, or at least think I do.

And yet, I'm still stuck. I like a guy. He's cute, smart, athletic and generally a nice guy. But there is no way that I am going to tell him that I like him. He is in that whole "no touchy" area. Not to mention that seeing each other is quickly becoming complicated. I haven't seen him in a long time. But we still talk and I enjoy that. Gah! This is starting to get ridiculous! I have never been good at crushes. Mostly because I never tell the person that I have a crush on that I do. Sometimes I come close to practically throwing myself at them and more often than not they either like my best friend or go date someone else.

I seem to always be stuck in the role of confidant. The go between for the two parties when I really like the same guy. But no! I have to be the noble one and sacrifice my feelings for my friends. For once I wish I could be selfish and just say no. But I know that I never will. I just can't even begin to picture what would happen if I could. It probably wouldn't be pretty and I would feel horrible the whole time.

Gosh Darn this thing called a conscience!

I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.

I like a guy. I do nothing to show him I do. I try encouraging him to date someone (thinking he is talking about me). He dates one of my friends. And I'm left feeling heartbroken. It has happened time after time. I'm the friend. I'm the one the guy says "Thank you, I couldn't have done it without you." Then runs off with the girl of his dreams while I'm left standing on the corner smiling sadly.

It sucks for now.

But I at least have the dream that someday it really will happen like it does in fairy tales and Chick Flicks. That I will be the one that he is running off with someday.

*le sigh*

Sorry about that. One should never watch romantic tragedies when one is tired and cranky...

Myspace isn't just for stalkers

So I am feeling majorly nostalgic today.
I went on to myspace and started trying to find friends that I haven't seen in forever and just see how they are doing.
(*Side note* Myspace is the best place to make you feel like God, you just click on a button and you can just get a glimpse of how everyone is doing without having to make awkward conversation if you haven't seen them in a while, it's great)
Anyways! I was amazed to see how so many of my friends have changed and yet at the same time haven't changed at all. Most of my friends were goofballs when I knew them and still are today, if not more. We have all grown so much. It's amazing. I go back and look at pictures of my friends and I from 4 or 5 years ago and we all look so small and young. Now everyone is graduating from high school and off to bigger and better things.
Then I clicked on to my own profile. I've grown up too. I have changed since I moved down here. I'm more confident in myself and I learned important lessons in life, both good and bad.
I'm no longer the little girl who use to fly through the air on the bars, play in the tree house in the woods, ride bikes down and back the same street so many times that it would make you sick, or get excited about the new Disney princess spin off. Now I drive cars instead of bikes, I fly through books and homework instead of the bars, and I play on the Internet instead of in a tree house. But somethings don't change. I still enjoy a good princess story, I will always love playing "duck, duck, goose!", Veggie tales will never get old, I will always remember the camp songs I loved growing up, and Spokane will always be a special place for me even if I never go back. Picking on James and messing with Tammy's head will always bring a smile to my face. My mother's sarcastic but hilarious take on life will always cheer me up. Even my father's lame attempt at humor will always make me feel at home.
These are things that I will always hold dear and will miss when I go off to college. Like most people about to undergo a major life change, I'm scared. Life will go on without me here. I'll miss the inside jokes, the funny stories. I won't be here to see my brother and sister try to kill each other every night. I won't be there to try and help explain a joke to my dad and have it totally lose it's humor. I won't be here to totally dish about my day to my mom. I just don't think I could do that. I have the hardest time when people go on vacations or trips without me. I didn't want to miss it. I wanted so bad to not have to go away, not leave and just stay at home the rest of my life. I didn't want anything to change. But then I realized something. If nothing ever changed then neither would I. When I go off to college I'll have my own stories and my own experiences. And it's not like I won't ever see my family again. I had built it up in my brain that I was being banished and that I would never ever see my family again.
And that's no true.
So in all reality I am excited for college, scared, but excited.

Letting Go

There are some things I need to let go of. I have had these feelings pented up for the longest time and I just need to let them go. I hope that these people know who they are and are able to read this. And to everyone else reading this, I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

• I have always considered you one of my best friends down here. I don't know how it happened but for some reason people twisted my words and we begun to hate each other. It crushed me. I wanted so badly to be really good friends with you. I wanted to be close and have someone outside my family know me well. But that didn't happen. Because of some one's insecurity and love for drama that never happened. We are still good friends and for that I am glad. I am so blessed to have gotten to know you and will cherish all the times we have had together. Good luck next year and hopefully we will be able to grow closer in the future.
• I have never hated you. Our youth group is so destructive that unless we have something to worry and fight about we can't seem to function. Once again people were mad at me and I had no idea what I had done. It wasn't until recently that I found out from a friend that once again something I had done was twisted for people's personal love for drama. Something that I had done out of love and worry for you became a malicious act against you. I would never do that. I was concerned about you because you seemed so lost and on a downward spiral. I heard a rumor that I shouldn't have believed and expressed my concern to someone I thought could help. It only made things worse however. Turns out the very rumor that I had heard and acted on was the very one that I was to have started in the first place. Ironic isn't it. When I heard you were mad at me I decided to let things happen on their own. Everything that I seemed to try to do to fix things only made things worse. So I thought to let things take their own course and hand it over to God. Thanks to him we are now on a course to being friends again and I am glad. I hope that when you read this you understand that I really care for you deeply and wish all the best for you in the future.

I feel so much better now that this is all off my chest. I felt like I have needed to say this for the longest time. I actively try to get along with everyone and I don't hate anyone. Yes, I may be mad at people occasionally but I can't stay mad for long. I have way too short of an attention span for that.
SO! The moral of this story is that our youth group has a real problem. We can't seem to ever get along. Yes we have times where everything is good and there isn't any problems, but those hardly last. Everyone is talking about needing change in our youth group and I think that instead of demanding Nichole to fix everything for us we need to work on it ourselves. Instead of all this whining and complainning, all the drama and hurting people, we need to just sit down work it all out. Maybe if we all just sat and talked it out we might be able to fix it. I don't know. I'm praying for all of us and hope that maybe we can all work this out. I know we can do it. We were all getting along so well last Weds. We were laughing, enjoying each other. Geeze, I was even freakin' dropped during a trust fall and couldn't have had a better time! Granted I was sore for the next couple of days, but I enjoyed myself. I hung out with people that I haven't been able to in a long time and that was good. Overall I felt like I was back in Montana and I felt good. We were happy, getting along, beating each other up and just being teenagers. I love this youth group and just want what is the best for us.
So I am totally ready and willing to work on this, are you?

Choices

Life is funny.
People are influenced by choices. Ones they make and ones that are made about them.
It's ironic really.
I thought that I was totally screwed over 2 nights ago. Found out that not only had some one let me down but that they were avoiding telling me that they were letting me down. It hurt. People who I trusted and thought trusted me didn't want to help me and came really close to ruining opportunities for me. But things are looking up and the little "irony faeries" that God created for just these situations have made it so that I might be earning twice what I had already planned. Yay God!